Spiritual warfare is so very real.

I started praying for physical healing a little over a month ago. I began praying for healing specifically for my PCOS. Besides infertility, PCOS causes all kinds of other things such as fatigue and pain. Well, it seems like almost as soon as I started praying for healing, I started becoming more sick. I mentioned in a previous post how it seemed my PCOS has gotten worse, and I was discouraged and confused. Didn't Jesus say in the Gospels that "Your faith has healed you?" (Luke 8:40-49) I began having more regular pains, and then it seemed I was tired ALL THE TIME. It was all I could do to get through the day. What was going on?

Along with this came random bouts of stomach issues, pulled muscles which led to exercise set backs, and now I have a horrible chest cold that has wiped me out. Why wasn't God protecting me from this? I prayed and prayed to be healed with the utmost faith, so why on earth was God allowing me to go through so much when I was putting all of my faith in Him? Why was I having additional health problems when I was praying to be completely healed?

I don't know that I've figured out the answer quite yet, but I have a feeling it has more to do with obstacles, spiritual warfare, and the enemy than anything else.

A couple of years ago, God spoke to me and said that people would receive healing through my hands. I didn't know if it would be physically, or that I would perform works that would cause healing emotionally. At the time, I seemed to gather that God meant this in as most of a literal way as possible; that I would lay hands and people would be healed. I'm still not sure, but here is what I have guessed:

The enemy is knocking me down and all around because he knows that if I have any faith in God's ability to heal through me, that will be one less way he can get at me. It makes total sense to me. On this trip, I will be praying healing over people constantly. I know exactly how the enemy tends to work; he works through my insecurities. So, he is trying to make me insecure in this area. He will whisper in my ear "Remember when you prayed healing over yourself in the states? It got worse. If you pray for these people, they will get worse. You are cursed, not blessed."

The good thing about having to deal with the devil is that he usually pulls the same tricks. If we are smart and strong enough, we can fight it, because he doesn't usually have any NEW ideas. We all have a certain area where he will come at us with full force. Mine has and always will be insecurities. If the devil gets me to feed into insecurities, then I am his slave.

If I keep pushing through this, I WILL receive a breakthrough. I WILL. It is so hard to keep fighting when your body is telling you to give up. And I've been confused and worried. Have I sold out on believing that God will heal me because I went to the doctor and got some medication? I don't know. Somehow I don't feel this is wrong, but maybe I am wrong.

But I'm praising God through this, because I'm knowing that it is a path leading to increased strength, perseverance, and Godliness.

And it makes me want to fight against the devil even more.


Abba, Father, JEHOVAH ROPHE [Rapha] (Ex. 15:26) I am standing in faith that I WILL receive my healing. I BELIEVE that others will receive healing through YOU working through ME. I believe that I am GOOD ENOUGH for you to work through me. You overcome my wickedness and still manage to bring glory to your name. You are so mighty and wonderful and all-powerful. I praise you, I praise you, I PRAISE YOU!!!

Man, that's some good stuff. What is God pressing upon your own heart right now?

Feeling motivated!

Ok, so my goal is to get past the two month mark. If I can do that, then I feel I have actually formed a HABIT: of eating good most of the time, and working out or exercising every day. I always tend to fall off of the wagon after 1.5 months, so this will be something to work toward.

I have went to the gym 3 days in a row, and I really do feel fabulous. I am sore, of course, but I really feel a lot better about myself and feel like I have more energy. This always happens, so why don't I stick with it? Ugh. Things will be different this time.

So, I am going to set up mini rewards for myself during this weight loss process. I am definitely a person who can be competitive and work toward rewards, so this will help me do so. I haven't figured out what my mini rewards will be yet (which will be in 5 lb increments), but here's what I've thought of so far:

10 lbs- pedicure, since I get these ONLY for special occasions

20 lbs- mini trip somewhere fun (this would be good if it fell right around the time we celebrated our 2 year, because then that would work out well. Otherwise, we'll have to figure out something cheap and inexpensive that will still feel like a reward...which is easy for me, since I simply love to travel.

At least 25-30 lbs- A little black dress. And another reward yet to be determined.

Let me talk about the background behind the last goal.

I've heard for years that every woman should have a "little black dress." But I've never thought that I would look good in anything that has "little" in the title. And I don't even know if after 25-30 lbs lost if I will still feel comfortable finding a little black dress, but I sure hope I do. This reward has room for additions/changes. And by little black dress, I don't mean skanky; I mean spaghetti straps, and something above the knee, since I hardly ever wear anything above the knee.

So that is my list! Question: what do you think could be my mini goals? I am having problems thinking of any.


Also, I am going to keep a record of my endurance while jogging on the treadmill. I usually put the treadmill to 4.5 mph and jog. I will be updating this sporadically.

1/18- jogged for one minute straight

1/19- jogged for 1.5 minutes straight

... and so on. This may not sound like much (and I'm sure it's not) but let's get one thing straight: I am NOT a runner/jogger by any means. And I'm not saying from this experience that I'm going to become one. But I figured tracking my endurance is the easiest way to see how I'm progressing.

***

I finally got the book I ordered The Natural Diet Solution for PCOS and Fertility. I can't wait to dig in and see if there are any practical things that can help me in my goals. I definitely want to develop healthy eating habits now, because if I don't, I run the risk of serious diseases and immobility when I become older. And I don't want that. I want to be the fit grandma that still hikes and takes trips and plays with her grandchildren.

I think it's really begun to sink in that feeding my fleshly, selfish desires of bad food is just ridiculous. Eating all of that bad food is not worth sacrificing my health. And it's just FOOD.

I don't know why it has such control over me. I'm not someone who binges (well, maybe occasionally, but very rare), but I AM an emotional eater. I think that's partly what has caused it as well as my inactivity. Oh, and of course, there's the dreaded PCOS, which is the reason for me gaining as much as I have since going off birth control a year ago. And it's not that I'm a couch potato, but working a draining job sometimes makes you believe that you don't have time or energy to exercise. But that's just not the case. I drove 4.5 hours roundtrip today, and I still managed to put in an hour at the gym. I'm definitely not bragging; I'm more encouraging myself so that I can realize that I should ALWAYS make time to exercise.

Well, that's enough rambling for one entry.