Google is not always the answer.

So, I've become a google addict.
Whenever I am curious about something or want to learn more, I simply google it. Usually, this provides positive things, educating me more on the subject, comforting me with wisdom, adding to my knowledge, etc.

Not so sure I want to google medical procedures anymore.

I have an appointment on Wednesday for a very scary procedure. The thing is, most of my worries/fear are due to what I've read via Google. Somewhere along the lines of "this hurts incredibly bad; I almost passed out from the pain; it was WORSE THAN LABOR."

Oh my goodness. I am terrified.

So, it's comes to a point where I trust Google more than I trust people in my life. For example, this is a fairly common procedure for women who have issues such as mine, and in fact, someone I work with has had the procedure done. She said "no problem Ashley! You'll be fine! It doesn't hurt that bad!"

But in the back of my mind, I assume she's lying. I think she's just trying to sugar coat it for me so that I won't be as scared. I trust strangers more than people I know.

That is pretty twisted. Why do I do this? Why in the world?

It's because I've gone to Google time and time again. It's so convenient. It's so easy. It's a quick fix to find things out.

Maybe Google is a bit like sin. We go to it time and time again because we try to trust our own instincts instead of the instincts of the Spirit inside of us. A quick fix, an easy solution. Convenient. Then, once we get back from that rebellion and instead try to go to God first, we sometimes have problems trusting what He tells us. We want to run back to when we did things ourselves, because somewhere inside, we believe we did it BEST. We learn the hard way. We fall, get back up again, and run back to Him. And He certainly doesn't sugar coat anything.

God is so amazingly good, and He is best when we are at our weakest. Sometimes though, we don't allow ourselves to get at our weakest. He really has to humble us in order for us to need Him. And that process, while painful, is the best place to be in. In that, I receive knowledge and blessings beyond my own comprehension.

***

Can you guys please leave encouraging scriptures for me to read on this day? I am going to type them out and read them over and over again to help calm my fears. I'm afraid anxiety might make the procedure worse, so I need to be calm, relaxed, and in a trusting Spirit. Please lift me up in prayer as well on that day. I'm sure I will be fine. No... I know it. I just need some encouragement.

Humble suggestions and confessions

I got this idea from Glenna's blog. I'm not sure if Glenna knows that I read her blog that often, but I do, and her thoughts really help me deal with my own feelings and heartache concerning infertility. If you scroll down the blog, you will see she has an entry entitled "What to Say to a Friend Who is Dealing with Infertility". Likewise, Pastor Ben at EBC recently inserted a section in one of his sermons which was a "side note" to the sermon--but was so very important for him to preach. It was the same concept. What NOT to tell women who are struggling with infertility. He went down a list, and each one hit my heart and I thought "that is SO true." However, I don't have my notes from that sermon on-hand.

While I don't want any of my friends to feel like they have to walk on egg shells when they're around me, I also want to be realistic to the people who are dear to me and let them know what I consider to be stumbling blocks. I'm sure most of what I'm going to say is central to all women who are struggling with infertility, specifically Christian women.

I found an EXCELLENT article here which I would URGE all of my friends to one day read to get a better understanding. But, a condensed and personalized version of this is as follows:


1. (I'm going to jump right in and start with the most controversial one on my list).
I really don't ever need to hear "this is God's will." Pastor Ben even preached in the sermon that you shouldn't say this. He explained (to paraphrase) "who are we to guess what God's will is? To tell someone who is hurting through infertility that their hurting is God's will is simply playing a guessing game and attempting to obtain authority by stating what we believe to be God's will. Meanwhile, there is a hurting woman who is not being comforted by your words. It's best not to say this." As I said, this is paraphrasing, but that is the general idea of the message. For a while I felt bad for getting upset when people would say "this is God's will." I felt like a bad Christian, and a bad person. But then I realized that other Christian women who are struggling with infertility have the same feelings, and I didn't feel so alone.

To tell me that this is God's will for me to struggle to have a child, while you may believe it to be true, it does not comfort me, nor does it encourage me. If anything, it internally makes me feel like I'm not "as good" as another Christian fertile Myrtle. "God blesses her with having children with ease, why not me? Is it because I'm a bad Christian, a bad person, undeserving of my life's dream?" While these thoughts may not be true, I can't help having them. I can struggle to not have them, but I feel that it is slightly justified to feel this way due to the fact that almost all infertile Christian women feel this way.

2. Don't suggest adoption as a "solution" to the problem. While every infertile woman has went over the possibilities of adoption countless times, it is definitely not a "cure" for infertility. Also, adoption is actually a LOT more expensive (initially) than birthing a biological child. I am terrified at the thought of finding out there is NO possible way I can conceive naturally, and having to resort to adoption. It can be more than $40,000 to adopt. It is not an "easy" solution to come to. I'm terrified of waiting years and years to be a mother.

3. I stress this one the most, because it is the one that has aggravated me to no end. If you are a mother, do not, I mean, DO NOT complain around me about your children. Don't complain to me about the chaos of having a houseful of children, about how you have no time to yourself, about how you wish you could just get away. This puts a wall between me and someone else faster than almost anything. What I wouldn't GIVE to have all of my personal space violated with precious little ones. I have dreamed of a chaotic house, full of laughter and at this point, I even look forward to the fights. Because that means the children will actually EXIST and not be a figment of my imagination.

What baffles me and has angered me the most is when I hear a woman who STRUGGLED with infertility now COMPLAINING about her houseful. Sure, she adds in a little "I am blessed though" to it, but the damage has already been done. Those are YOUR CHILDREN that you labored for. Sure, not all of them are biological, but at least two are! And you are pregnant with another one!!! (Can you tell this is a personal thing in my own life, haha?)

4. If you already have one child, please don't complain to me about wanting another one, and don't act like you can relate to me because you are "struggling" through infertility too. It is NOT a struggle for you anymore. You have overcome it! If I had one child and was unable to have any others, I would be satisfied. Just to have one would be enough for me, if that was all I could have.

5. This one is SO hard for me to say without feeling completely awful about myself. But, this is me being honest and vulnerable. I do not want to know if you are currently trying for a baby. I just don't. I am not naive enough to think that no one in my inner circle is thinking and possibly trying for a baby. But, do I want to hear about it? No. I really don't. However, this is through believing that everyone in my inner circle will get pregnant with no issues. However, if you are struggling with fertility issues, please feel free to come to me. I am here to listen and encourage you, and I will know better than most what it feels like to go through those emotions. I might be able to help.

6. When it comes time for you to announce to me as a friend that you are pregnant, please, would you mind doing so through email/letter? To receive this news face to face or even on the phone catches me off guard, and I run the risk of really hurting you by my reaction to the news. Because I will internally experience several emotions: shock, pretend happiness, jealousy, and anger. I will probably be trying very hard not to cry in front of you, while also trying to be supportive and happy for you. If you ask me if I am ok, I will fall apart. Please tell me through an email/letter so I don't end up hurting you deeply with my reaction, so I can have time to process my emotions, and then put them behind me and be excited and supportive of you.

7. Please do not minimize. To tell me "you're young; enjoy life!" does not comfort me, and it will certainly not cause me to have a revelation, exclaiming "you know what? That person is SO right! I will just live my life like this doesn't bother me!" I tried that before. And now I'm back here. I don't think it will ever be OK that I have infertility issues. I tried to make it ok; I really did. It just didn't work.

8. This is the second most important issue that has aggravates me to no end. If you are pregnant, DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY! I cannot stress this enough! Of course, the exception to this would be if you have a serious medical problem going on in your pregnancy, then I completely understand and I am your FIRST shoulder to cry on. But...normal aches and pains of pregnancy? I don't want to hear it. I'd love to have those aches and pains for it to mean I had a growing child inside of me.

9. Once you are pregnant and we've gotten past the hurdle of me being told, please don't...overshare information about your pregnancy. I don't believe any of my close friends would EVER do this, but I was surprised a few months ago about the ignorance of one aquaintence in particular. It was one of those instances where Wesley had told me that he knew they were pregnant. After I got over my initial hurt, we went out to eat with the couple. We explained to them that we were struggling with infertility, and they stated they would pray for us. That was fine and great, and although it made me jealous to no avail that after just a month of being married, they were pregnant, I was able to deal with my emotions in a fairly civil manner.

And then she contacted me on facebook chat. Being polite, I asked about her pregnancy. She then proceeded to gush about every detail imaginable. She kept saying "it is so AMAZING to be pregnant! I can't believe I have something growing inside of me!" etc. I am sitting there, typing through tears, writing one word responses to her exclamations... and she didn't even notice. She just kept saying things. I am sure this woman was simply drunk on the happiness that comes from being pregnant (also known as "the glow"), but for her to drown me in it was not beneficial to me at all.

10. Above all, please pray for me. Support me. Encourage me in any way not noted above, lol. I long for that comfort and love. I really need it, especially from females. Sometimes I don't think my husband truly understands the hurt that I feel. I don't know that any man could understand.

***

Putting things in perspective:

I do feel in my heart that I will one day be a mother.

I am not at a hopeless point in my infertility. In fact, you could say I've just begun. We have yet to get a semen analysis or a hysterosalpingogram (HSG or 'dye') test to determine if I have blockage in my fallopian tubes (Which I'm terrified of and is known to be EXTREMELY painful). From there, I would move on to injections to produce ovulation, different medications, then move on to IUI, and finally IVF. So, there are many more steps to take in this process before I "throw in the towel". But it is disheartening to know that I might have to go through all of these procedures in order to receive something I never thought I'd have to fight for.

***

I hope this post helped those I care about most understand me a little more. I hope it will help ya'll know how to pray for me and how to support me. Because I definitely need all of your prayers, and your support.

These thoughts are copyrighted.

I am slowly becoming obsessed with this book and all it consists of. It speaks to my spirit, that spirit of wanting to wander into the unknown, of picking up and leaving and going without knowing if I will come out on the other side successfully, or even alive. The living without reservations, dropping all that the comforts of life have to offer, and trading them in for adventures and discomfort and life experiences. It speaks to me in the same way that

Through Painted Deserts - Donald Miller
&
On the Road-Jack Kerouac

did. I am sure there are many more, but those are the ones I can think of at this point.

I can't get enough of this spirit of writing. I eat it up--literally consume it--and it becomes a part of me. It speaks to me, straight to the heart of me.





I am convinced that I grew up in the wrong era. I should have grown up in the late 60's/early 70's. I should have been a hippie. I should have grown up in a time when it was still fairly safe to hitchhike from place to place and sleep in different places every night. Or maybe the safety factor is the same, but we don't trust eachother as much as we used to.


I definitely could see myself on a commune (minus the public nakedity).

I could see myself on Haight Ashbury.

I see myself behind the wheel of a VW bus, potted cacti on the dashboard, mattress in the back,the wind combing my hair, open road before me. (this sounds good. I'm going to try to make a poem of it sometime)

***

We have to make a decision in the next three days whether God is leading us to make the trip. We were going to wait to write the letter to UPS and take UPS's answer as a sign, an open door, and a confirmation, but Dusty is challenging us, (basically telling us), not to do this, and instead decide based on what we feel in our spirit about the trip. I know how I feel, but it doesn't matter how I feel unless we are united as a couple. Pray that Wesley will get whatever answer is needed at this point, so that we can make a decision based on the Spirit leading us as a couple. That is why Dusty is challenging us. He believes we are basing our decision too much on other people and not on what God is personally telling us. He's right...but this is going to make it a bit more of a struggle to come to a decision. I don't know how well it's going to go.

***

I wrote the above blog entry as a draft two days ago and I'm not much closer to what we're going to do. If it were based on me as a single person, I would have already called up Dusty and told him "I'm in!" but when you are married, it adds so many more things to the ever stirring pot. And I go back and forth about conceiving. One day, I'm fine, and then the next day, I have a little meltdown or maybe just a tear, or anger, or frustration.

I am FRUSTRATED with the fact that I have had such a hard time.
I am ANGRY when I hear other women complain about their kids. This frustrates me close to the most.
I am FRUSTRATED that I have to see a doctor to find out what in the heck is wrong.
I am ANGRY that I do not already have a baby in my arms.
I am FRUSTRATED and ANGRY I may have to go through painful procedures in order to conceive.

But you've all heard this story before. No point in going on.

***

It's looking like our deadline for telling Dusty our decision is about up, and I have no idea what our decision is going to be. What if we're not ready for this? What if we are willing but we are not ready? I never thought of how couples must function completely differently from single missionaries. Can we function over there? Or are we putting too much confidence in ourselves? Or not enough confidence in God?

So many thoughts. So many questions. Just one answer that seems to slip through my fingers like a kite taking flight.







(Bless you if you got through this entire blog.
My mind is an insect trapped in spider's web.)

(That sounds good too. Hmm.)

Confirmations. (?)

So, several things concerning this very big decision have been moving in my heart.

I have been worrying about not getting an audible "Yes, this is what I want you to do" from God. I know it sounds silly, but I guess I expected to receive something like that considering this will be a life-changing experience. And completely against the grain of what we were originally thinking. I mean, this is the complete opposite of our plans before. It's basically two extremes: settle down with a baby, or live without a home for a year.

Anyway, what I have been receiving is little things that I like to call confirmations. I texted my friends Dusty and Darlene basically explaining that God hadn't "spoken" to me and that we were both sort of confused at the moment. What they both said to us is that sometimes, when God isn't speaking, He is waiting for you to tell Him what you would like to do. Since I am not set in my theology of free will vs. predestination, and don't currently want to be since I don't think everything is so black and white, I can totally see that. And it worked in my instance. When they told me that, I thought, ok, so God is waiting for me to decide. I talked and prayed about it with Wesley, and we decided we would go with this, and if God closed doors, then He would close doors. Ever since I prayed to God and told Him "ok, we want to go on this trip" it's like His presence has been overflowing in my life. Now, I'm sure that has somewhat to do with the fact that I am reading more of my Bible than I have in a long time, but I also believe part of that is in agreement with what Dusty and Darlene were saying.

The second confirmation, which I wouldn't put as a formal title of "confirmation", but definitely is the style that I love to be spoken to in... I was driving to a visit on a workday and just praying and thinking about how completely crazy it is to think about all the money that would need to come in to provide for our trip. I had my ipod on shuffle. I was thinking to myself "God, this is going to have to be a complete miracle." Just then, the song "Are You Ready for a Miracle?" began playing on my ipod. God is funny, and He has a great sense of humor. I felt peace and love and just a rush of possibility and excitement, as I knew that the song was meant to answer my thoughts and prayers I had in my head.

Tonight, we had a night of Christmas praise and worship at my church. Pastor Ben preached an amazing section on Mary's point of view when she realized she was carrying a child. He described how she was engaged and ready to be married, making preparations in her own life toward her own plans. Then God made her the birth mother of Jesus Christ. He described how this truly did mean "a baby changes everything" and that Jesus turned Mary's world upside down. He talked about how she probably had different wills for her life, but instead, His will was so much better than her own. I think it's funny how our story is the opposite. We were desiring a baby with everything in us. We struggled with infertility, 10 months of it, and then God begins to confirm a different path. A path that will change EVERYTHING. This path, if we are to walk it, is like Mary birthing Jesus. Both are the will of God, and both change everything.

The one thing we have been struggling with in our decision (besides finding a place for our puppies) is that Wesley is pretty much set in his job. He will be there going on 6 years next fall, and his pay is very good right now for only being a part time worker. If we leave for a year and UPS doesn't have a leave of absence, then he will lose his seniority and his pay. Even if he was able to get hired on to UPS once we get back, he would lose his pay and have to work back up to his seniority (which I think is retarded, by the way). But, then one of the songs reflect on how Jesus was born in a manger, in a place meant only for animals. I started really thinking about what that means.

We throw around that phrase, but do we really think about it? I mean, Jesus could have been born anywhere. God sure had enough power to make whoever it was bow before Mary and provide a place to birth Jesus. However, I believe God was making several points when He chose a manger for Jesus. 1) He was emphasizing of course that Jesus came in the most humble and vulnerable form, a baby. Jesus' life was humble, if you think about it. Even though He was the son of God, He still went through teachings just like everyone else. He still had to be fed by his mother, and He still had to rely on his mother and father's protection.

But the more important thing that hit me is that God may have had Jesus birthed in a manger to prove the point that we should not store up our treasures on earth. Then I started thinking about how Jesus lived while He was on this earth. He had one shot at it, and He chose to not spend it comfortable, but constantly moving, constantly traveling, constantly sharing the good news with others. Jesus really never had a home. So what makes us think as Christians that our primary goal in life is to settle down and start a family and live comfortably?

Don't get me wrong; I do not believe it's a sin to settle down and start a family. If I had been able to at this point and time, I would have. But we also have to be careful that we are never comfortable on this earth. That comfort can lead to the death of your spirit. It can lead to you not hearing the Lord clearly. I know that is what has been manifested in my life. When I started considering a possibility that didn't make me feel comfortable, that is when God really began speaking to me.


So, that is what is going on in our life right now. We are still worried and checking into the leave of absence thing at UPS, but we are seriously leaning toward going on this trip! Please be in prayer that if we have somehow gotten His will wrong, that He will redirect us. And pray that if this is His will for us, that He will continue to reveal Himself and continue to give peace and confirmation to us.

A new path?

As I sit down to write this, I have no idea where to begin. It seems pretty overwhelming to actually type this all out and explain it all. Not too sure where to begin...

About a year and a half ago, two of my good friends, Dusty and Darlene, set out on a trip around the world. They have developed a non-profit organized called Revolutionary Life. They are currently building up connections all around the world for their ministry, which is to preach the gospel to the lost. The way they travel is very different than most missionaries. They take it step by step, totally letting the Lord lead them. They have a general idea of where they are going to go, and then God changes it, and they follow. During their last trip, they managed to travel to a remote village in Laos and deliver the gospel to those that had never heard the name of Jesus. They traveled to 15 different countries.

They are gearing up for their next trip. It will tentatively be in August 2010. They have extended an invitation for Wesley and I to go. They have done so in such a way that I know without a doubt how much of an honor it would be to accompany them on their trip. They have not extended the invitation to many people, because it will be grueling and extremely difficult ministry at times. The next trip will last a year or more, with four main focuses: Ghana, India, Thailand, and Indonesia. However, they believe they will end up going to more places than just those four.

I have felt for the longest time that Wesley and I cannot do anything really big until we pay off our school debts. However, after meeting with Dusty and Darlene, I realize that the debt is actually stifling our ability to seek the Lord and His will. It has become this brick wall that I can't see past at all. But God doesn't want us to be defined by our debt, and He doesn't want us to feel we are stuck because of it. Dusty asked a simple question.

"If you didn't have that debt, what would you do? And would there be any other reason besides that debt to not go on this trip?"

I realized that debt was basically the only reason we wouldn't go. Or wouldn't do anything adventurous and daring.

And that's just not a good enough reason for me.

***

We are in the praying stages at this point. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the reason for me not being able to get pregnant is because there are other things God wants me to do first. I'm not sure.

Please pray for guidance in our decision. My feelings continue to be fickle. Two days ago, I felt for sure that this was what God had for us, to go on this trip. Today, I'm not so sure, and that scares me some, because I believe if this is something God wants us to do, it will stay consistent. Pray for clarity for us.

If we were to go on the trip, I would like to try to go for the full year. Dusty and Darlene said we were welcome to just come for a month or two, but I just don't believe in doing anything halfway ;)

If we do decide to go, we have so many needs that will need to be fulfilled in some way or another. We will definitely be saving money to go on the trip, but specific needs I know we will have to alleviate prior to departing:

-2 backpacks (this is all we will have with us. We will be essentially carry everything we own on our backs)

-At least 15-20 committed monthly contributors to our journey. The good thing about overseas travel is it's much cheaper than America (usually). For instance, just donating $20 a month would pay for several nights stays at a hostel.

-Money for our visas, shots, and the initial travel to Ghana

-Hiking shoes for both of us

-At least one pair of good hiking pants for each of us. Because, we will go several days without washing things and need durable, semi expensive pants.

-Various other things, such as bug spray, sunscreen, etc.

-At least 10 monthly pledges from people who will pray for us while we are gone.

-A place for our puggles to stay for as long as we are gone. This is probably one of the hardest things, because we love them like our own children and would be picky as to where they go. Also, they can't be separated, so finding someone who would suddenly take two new dogs would be difficult. Honestly, that is my first worry, above finances and danger, lol. I just love my puppies so much.

***

So that is currently what is going on in my life. I ask that you pray for us, that we would be able to see the Lord's direction in this decision. We would both have to leave our jobs (Wesley has been at UPS 5 years) and we are still not sure if UPS will offer him a leave of absence or not. I know my work won't, but it would be a little less scary to leave and know that at least one of us will have a job when we return to the states, lol.