Google is not always the answer.

So, I've become a google addict.
Whenever I am curious about something or want to learn more, I simply google it. Usually, this provides positive things, educating me more on the subject, comforting me with wisdom, adding to my knowledge, etc.

Not so sure I want to google medical procedures anymore.

I have an appointment on Wednesday for a very scary procedure. The thing is, most of my worries/fear are due to what I've read via Google. Somewhere along the lines of "this hurts incredibly bad; I almost passed out from the pain; it was WORSE THAN LABOR."

Oh my goodness. I am terrified.

So, it's comes to a point where I trust Google more than I trust people in my life. For example, this is a fairly common procedure for women who have issues such as mine, and in fact, someone I work with has had the procedure done. She said "no problem Ashley! You'll be fine! It doesn't hurt that bad!"

But in the back of my mind, I assume she's lying. I think she's just trying to sugar coat it for me so that I won't be as scared. I trust strangers more than people I know.

That is pretty twisted. Why do I do this? Why in the world?

It's because I've gone to Google time and time again. It's so convenient. It's so easy. It's a quick fix to find things out.

Maybe Google is a bit like sin. We go to it time and time again because we try to trust our own instincts instead of the instincts of the Spirit inside of us. A quick fix, an easy solution. Convenient. Then, once we get back from that rebellion and instead try to go to God first, we sometimes have problems trusting what He tells us. We want to run back to when we did things ourselves, because somewhere inside, we believe we did it BEST. We learn the hard way. We fall, get back up again, and run back to Him. And He certainly doesn't sugar coat anything.

God is so amazingly good, and He is best when we are at our weakest. Sometimes though, we don't allow ourselves to get at our weakest. He really has to humble us in order for us to need Him. And that process, while painful, is the best place to be in. In that, I receive knowledge and blessings beyond my own comprehension.

***

Can you guys please leave encouraging scriptures for me to read on this day? I am going to type them out and read them over and over again to help calm my fears. I'm afraid anxiety might make the procedure worse, so I need to be calm, relaxed, and in a trusting Spirit. Please lift me up in prayer as well on that day. I'm sure I will be fine. No... I know it. I just need some encouragement.

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is, even."

So, I am convinced that the Jackson Clinic got almost all of my blood today. Almost.

I drew a total of 15 vials of blood. [For a 2 hour blood glucose test, and other various blood tests. 12 were pre blood sugar spike, and then 1 vial every 30 minutes for 1.5 hours to take before and after levels.]
That's the most blood that has been drawn from my body in my entire 23[almost]24 year existence on this lovely earth.

And I did all of this powered by only a disgusting orange, very sugary drink to spike my blood sugar up and see how my levels were when said blood sugar was spiked up.

I'm not even sure if I understand this concept.
The little nurse was adorable, though. I told her I had started feeling light-headed and weak, and she took me to the back and made me lay down on a table with a blanket over me. So sweet. I could have slept right there, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to go to sleep, haha.

Good news is, I'm feeling better now. I'm happy with my body's ability to bounce back like it has.

I am praying for healing. I pray that my results come back so good, that they just simply can't believe it. It will just have to be a miracle.

I believe in miracles.
I believe in miracles much more than I believe in fairies.

Could you imagine if life was like one of J.M. Barrie's whimsical stories? If we clapped hard enough, we could be healed. Maybe I'll start calling my prayers prayer-claps. *smile*

By the way, a certain symptom of my PCOS was healed for this month. Praise God. He is so very good to us all!

***

I have a confession, friends.
I'm not sure if I'll have much patience for the American life once I come back from this trip.

I don't really have patience for it now. And it is my fault, I realize. I don't want to become this jaded, cynical person when I get back. I want to take my knowledge and experiences to draw others to curiosity of what things are like on the other side of the world. I don't want my experiences to separate me from others, but to draw me closer to them through my excitement and stories and compassion. But I am so afraid I might put up a wall. I mean, how do you respond to the U.S. when you come back from seeing children without homes? How do you swallow the bitter pill of seeing many people with things they don't even need, while there are so many on the other side of the world who are fighting to stay alive EVERY DAY? Americans are weighed down by THINGS. And those THINGS don't even matter in the end. Why oh why do we continue to succumb to the comfort of this earth??? We could be doing so much more if we were not conforming to the ways of this world!!! I am guilty of this myself, which is why I am so disgusted. I hate this sin nature. I hate how we try to make ourselves comfortable when others don't have that choice. It makes me angry. It's natural to want comfort, but it is not RIGHT.

***

Have I told you that I have sleeping problems? I do. Ever since I started at DCS, for some reason, I find it more difficult to get restful sleep. It's probably due to the fact that my mind is racing daily, and it's hard to calm it down when it needs to be still. I wonder how I'm going to sleep on the road. The things I will see will be so much more life-changing than anything I've experienced here. How will I handle it? How will it change me? How will it grow me?

I can't wait for that growth! I'm like a tiny, new flower, stretching its petals toward the Son, asking Him to bathe me in the light of His presence. I feel like my growth was stifled a lot these past few years. Somehow, I lost the zeal I had when I became a Christian at 15. But now, the closer we get to this trip, the more and more I feel the freshly-saved, childlike spirit bouncing around inside of me again. There is nothing like knowing you are heading for something that God has specifically designed for you. Not only to help others, but to continue to etch out your path in front of you; another chapter, another season in His plan.

Spiritual warfare is so very real.

I started praying for physical healing a little over a month ago. I began praying for healing specifically for my PCOS. Besides infertility, PCOS causes all kinds of other things such as fatigue and pain. Well, it seems like almost as soon as I started praying for healing, I started becoming more sick. I mentioned in a previous post how it seemed my PCOS has gotten worse, and I was discouraged and confused. Didn't Jesus say in the Gospels that "Your faith has healed you?" (Luke 8:40-49) I began having more regular pains, and then it seemed I was tired ALL THE TIME. It was all I could do to get through the day. What was going on?

Along with this came random bouts of stomach issues, pulled muscles which led to exercise set backs, and now I have a horrible chest cold that has wiped me out. Why wasn't God protecting me from this? I prayed and prayed to be healed with the utmost faith, so why on earth was God allowing me to go through so much when I was putting all of my faith in Him? Why was I having additional health problems when I was praying to be completely healed?

I don't know that I've figured out the answer quite yet, but I have a feeling it has more to do with obstacles, spiritual warfare, and the enemy than anything else.

A couple of years ago, God spoke to me and said that people would receive healing through my hands. I didn't know if it would be physically, or that I would perform works that would cause healing emotionally. At the time, I seemed to gather that God meant this in as most of a literal way as possible; that I would lay hands and people would be healed. I'm still not sure, but here is what I have guessed:

The enemy is knocking me down and all around because he knows that if I have any faith in God's ability to heal through me, that will be one less way he can get at me. It makes total sense to me. On this trip, I will be praying healing over people constantly. I know exactly how the enemy tends to work; he works through my insecurities. So, he is trying to make me insecure in this area. He will whisper in my ear "Remember when you prayed healing over yourself in the states? It got worse. If you pray for these people, they will get worse. You are cursed, not blessed."

The good thing about having to deal with the devil is that he usually pulls the same tricks. If we are smart and strong enough, we can fight it, because he doesn't usually have any NEW ideas. We all have a certain area where he will come at us with full force. Mine has and always will be insecurities. If the devil gets me to feed into insecurities, then I am his slave.

If I keep pushing through this, I WILL receive a breakthrough. I WILL. It is so hard to keep fighting when your body is telling you to give up. And I've been confused and worried. Have I sold out on believing that God will heal me because I went to the doctor and got some medication? I don't know. Somehow I don't feel this is wrong, but maybe I am wrong.

But I'm praising God through this, because I'm knowing that it is a path leading to increased strength, perseverance, and Godliness.

And it makes me want to fight against the devil even more.


Abba, Father, JEHOVAH ROPHE [Rapha] (Ex. 15:26) I am standing in faith that I WILL receive my healing. I BELIEVE that others will receive healing through YOU working through ME. I believe that I am GOOD ENOUGH for you to work through me. You overcome my wickedness and still manage to bring glory to your name. You are so mighty and wonderful and all-powerful. I praise you, I praise you, I PRAISE YOU!!!

Man, that's some good stuff. What is God pressing upon your own heart right now?