Humble suggestions and confessions

I got this idea from Glenna's blog. I'm not sure if Glenna knows that I read her blog that often, but I do, and her thoughts really help me deal with my own feelings and heartache concerning infertility. If you scroll down the blog, you will see she has an entry entitled "What to Say to a Friend Who is Dealing with Infertility". Likewise, Pastor Ben at EBC recently inserted a section in one of his sermons which was a "side note" to the sermon--but was so very important for him to preach. It was the same concept. What NOT to tell women who are struggling with infertility. He went down a list, and each one hit my heart and I thought "that is SO true." However, I don't have my notes from that sermon on-hand.

While I don't want any of my friends to feel like they have to walk on egg shells when they're around me, I also want to be realistic to the people who are dear to me and let them know what I consider to be stumbling blocks. I'm sure most of what I'm going to say is central to all women who are struggling with infertility, specifically Christian women.

I found an EXCELLENT article here which I would URGE all of my friends to one day read to get a better understanding. But, a condensed and personalized version of this is as follows:


1. (I'm going to jump right in and start with the most controversial one on my list).
I really don't ever need to hear "this is God's will." Pastor Ben even preached in the sermon that you shouldn't say this. He explained (to paraphrase) "who are we to guess what God's will is? To tell someone who is hurting through infertility that their hurting is God's will is simply playing a guessing game and attempting to obtain authority by stating what we believe to be God's will. Meanwhile, there is a hurting woman who is not being comforted by your words. It's best not to say this." As I said, this is paraphrasing, but that is the general idea of the message. For a while I felt bad for getting upset when people would say "this is God's will." I felt like a bad Christian, and a bad person. But then I realized that other Christian women who are struggling with infertility have the same feelings, and I didn't feel so alone.

To tell me that this is God's will for me to struggle to have a child, while you may believe it to be true, it does not comfort me, nor does it encourage me. If anything, it internally makes me feel like I'm not "as good" as another Christian fertile Myrtle. "God blesses her with having children with ease, why not me? Is it because I'm a bad Christian, a bad person, undeserving of my life's dream?" While these thoughts may not be true, I can't help having them. I can struggle to not have them, but I feel that it is slightly justified to feel this way due to the fact that almost all infertile Christian women feel this way.

2. Don't suggest adoption as a "solution" to the problem. While every infertile woman has went over the possibilities of adoption countless times, it is definitely not a "cure" for infertility. Also, adoption is actually a LOT more expensive (initially) than birthing a biological child. I am terrified at the thought of finding out there is NO possible way I can conceive naturally, and having to resort to adoption. It can be more than $40,000 to adopt. It is not an "easy" solution to come to. I'm terrified of waiting years and years to be a mother.

3. I stress this one the most, because it is the one that has aggravated me to no end. If you are a mother, do not, I mean, DO NOT complain around me about your children. Don't complain to me about the chaos of having a houseful of children, about how you have no time to yourself, about how you wish you could just get away. This puts a wall between me and someone else faster than almost anything. What I wouldn't GIVE to have all of my personal space violated with precious little ones. I have dreamed of a chaotic house, full of laughter and at this point, I even look forward to the fights. Because that means the children will actually EXIST and not be a figment of my imagination.

What baffles me and has angered me the most is when I hear a woman who STRUGGLED with infertility now COMPLAINING about her houseful. Sure, she adds in a little "I am blessed though" to it, but the damage has already been done. Those are YOUR CHILDREN that you labored for. Sure, not all of them are biological, but at least two are! And you are pregnant with another one!!! (Can you tell this is a personal thing in my own life, haha?)

4. If you already have one child, please don't complain to me about wanting another one, and don't act like you can relate to me because you are "struggling" through infertility too. It is NOT a struggle for you anymore. You have overcome it! If I had one child and was unable to have any others, I would be satisfied. Just to have one would be enough for me, if that was all I could have.

5. This one is SO hard for me to say without feeling completely awful about myself. But, this is me being honest and vulnerable. I do not want to know if you are currently trying for a baby. I just don't. I am not naive enough to think that no one in my inner circle is thinking and possibly trying for a baby. But, do I want to hear about it? No. I really don't. However, this is through believing that everyone in my inner circle will get pregnant with no issues. However, if you are struggling with fertility issues, please feel free to come to me. I am here to listen and encourage you, and I will know better than most what it feels like to go through those emotions. I might be able to help.

6. When it comes time for you to announce to me as a friend that you are pregnant, please, would you mind doing so through email/letter? To receive this news face to face or even on the phone catches me off guard, and I run the risk of really hurting you by my reaction to the news. Because I will internally experience several emotions: shock, pretend happiness, jealousy, and anger. I will probably be trying very hard not to cry in front of you, while also trying to be supportive and happy for you. If you ask me if I am ok, I will fall apart. Please tell me through an email/letter so I don't end up hurting you deeply with my reaction, so I can have time to process my emotions, and then put them behind me and be excited and supportive of you.

7. Please do not minimize. To tell me "you're young; enjoy life!" does not comfort me, and it will certainly not cause me to have a revelation, exclaiming "you know what? That person is SO right! I will just live my life like this doesn't bother me!" I tried that before. And now I'm back here. I don't think it will ever be OK that I have infertility issues. I tried to make it ok; I really did. It just didn't work.

8. This is the second most important issue that has aggravates me to no end. If you are pregnant, DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY! I cannot stress this enough! Of course, the exception to this would be if you have a serious medical problem going on in your pregnancy, then I completely understand and I am your FIRST shoulder to cry on. But...normal aches and pains of pregnancy? I don't want to hear it. I'd love to have those aches and pains for it to mean I had a growing child inside of me.

9. Once you are pregnant and we've gotten past the hurdle of me being told, please don't...overshare information about your pregnancy. I don't believe any of my close friends would EVER do this, but I was surprised a few months ago about the ignorance of one aquaintence in particular. It was one of those instances where Wesley had told me that he knew they were pregnant. After I got over my initial hurt, we went out to eat with the couple. We explained to them that we were struggling with infertility, and they stated they would pray for us. That was fine and great, and although it made me jealous to no avail that after just a month of being married, they were pregnant, I was able to deal with my emotions in a fairly civil manner.

And then she contacted me on facebook chat. Being polite, I asked about her pregnancy. She then proceeded to gush about every detail imaginable. She kept saying "it is so AMAZING to be pregnant! I can't believe I have something growing inside of me!" etc. I am sitting there, typing through tears, writing one word responses to her exclamations... and she didn't even notice. She just kept saying things. I am sure this woman was simply drunk on the happiness that comes from being pregnant (also known as "the glow"), but for her to drown me in it was not beneficial to me at all.

10. Above all, please pray for me. Support me. Encourage me in any way not noted above, lol. I long for that comfort and love. I really need it, especially from females. Sometimes I don't think my husband truly understands the hurt that I feel. I don't know that any man could understand.

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Putting things in perspective:

I do feel in my heart that I will one day be a mother.

I am not at a hopeless point in my infertility. In fact, you could say I've just begun. We have yet to get a semen analysis or a hysterosalpingogram (HSG or 'dye') test to determine if I have blockage in my fallopian tubes (Which I'm terrified of and is known to be EXTREMELY painful). From there, I would move on to injections to produce ovulation, different medications, then move on to IUI, and finally IVF. So, there are many more steps to take in this process before I "throw in the towel". But it is disheartening to know that I might have to go through all of these procedures in order to receive something I never thought I'd have to fight for.

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I hope this post helped those I care about most understand me a little more. I hope it will help ya'll know how to pray for me and how to support me. Because I definitely need all of your prayers, and your support.