one, two, three, SCREAM.

I am not motivated. I have a million things to do at work, and yet all I'm doing is sitting here killing time and dreaming about days when things will be different.

And trying to sort out the clanking in my head.

There are so many different paths to take, and I am so completely confused with what to do. It makes me resentful, angry, and stressed out. It makes me resent Wesley, because he is such a good person who considers all the options instead of making a decision whether I like it or not. I wish he wouldn't care, so that there would be a decision and it would be DONE and over with. Instead of having all the possibilities roll around in my head day and night.

I am a "jump on the bandwagon" kind of person, which is why all of this worrying is weird. I have been waiting for an "excuse" to leave this job, to leave Jackson, and I've been offered it. And yet, I am unrested. The rationalities are what is bogging me down.

rationalities:

//If we were to leave for a full year, the interest on our loans would just accumulate and accumulate. And yes, I can jump in and "have faith" that the interest will be paid by donations, but any intelligent human being is going to feel that right now is not the best time in our lives to take a trip like this. *But that being said...God calls a lot of people to do illogical things at the worst times in their lives. Could I be missing out on God's blessing for us?

//Wesley is starting to gain seniority at his job. Since Wesley is not called to missions (and I don't know that I am. I felt I might be at one time, and yet I never had the opportunity to take a missions trip thereafter) would it be the smartest to leave the country for a year and then come back and have to start all over again as far as jobs are concerned? *Again, God is not always logical. And we are not supposed to be comfortable on this earth. Also, it would be a good testimony if we were to leave such set jobs to go overseas.

//I struggle with worrying about how this looks to others. I definitely don't want to be a stumbling block. I know that Dusty and Darlene have said that they were able to pay bills while overseas, but I don't know...it makes me feel weird. Even if we were given enough money to pay for our bills, I would worry that people would think that we were leaving all responsibilities in America to go gallivanting overseas. I know those people would need to check their hearts, but it's still a worry of mine.

//There is SO much to be done if we were to consider going for a year, including finding storage for the full year, finding a place for our puppies (which we have technically just about found), setting up finances, etc. All of that is very difficult to do while working a full-time job.

//My strength is actually not in numbers. I am better at developing relationships with people, not necessarily widespread ministry. I can do widespread ministry, but I feel where God has blessed me is in the relational areas. *However, my strength is also that I am willing to do whatever as long as it is God's will, and I have the ability to adjust to almost any situation. I am flexible and multi-talented. And willing.

//I have begun to desire to start trying for a child again. It's the weirdest thing. I was at peace with taking a break and focusing on this trip, but it's like then these desires came out of nowhere again. That leads me to believe that maybe God might have something else. I know for a fact that being a mother is my first calling, because I have wanted to be a mother since I was a child. That has ALWAYS been constant. It's the rest of what to do with my life until then that becomes blurry and unclear. *update* I just left for a second and ran into a pregnant woman, right as I took a break from typing this. I'm always looking for signs, and so that made me think that maybe it was a sign. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW WHY I'M SO CRAZY?? I LOOK FOR SIGNS EVERYWHERE! Goodness me.


One thing that I can easily agree with: since Wesley and I have even considered something such as this trip, if we decide not to go, SOMETHING will change in our lives. We just can't go from seriously considering living overseas for a year, to going back to the typical life. Whether it is getting plugged into another ministry besides Children's church, or something else...I don't know.

Wesley is going today to find out if he could even get a leave of absence for a period of time from UPS. We will see what happens from there.