"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is, even."

So, I am convinced that the Jackson Clinic got almost all of my blood today. Almost.

I drew a total of 15 vials of blood. [For a 2 hour blood glucose test, and other various blood tests. 12 were pre blood sugar spike, and then 1 vial every 30 minutes for 1.5 hours to take before and after levels.]
That's the most blood that has been drawn from my body in my entire 23[almost]24 year existence on this lovely earth.

And I did all of this powered by only a disgusting orange, very sugary drink to spike my blood sugar up and see how my levels were when said blood sugar was spiked up.

I'm not even sure if I understand this concept.
The little nurse was adorable, though. I told her I had started feeling light-headed and weak, and she took me to the back and made me lay down on a table with a blanket over me. So sweet. I could have slept right there, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to go to sleep, haha.

Good news is, I'm feeling better now. I'm happy with my body's ability to bounce back like it has.

I am praying for healing. I pray that my results come back so good, that they just simply can't believe it. It will just have to be a miracle.

I believe in miracles.
I believe in miracles much more than I believe in fairies.

Could you imagine if life was like one of J.M. Barrie's whimsical stories? If we clapped hard enough, we could be healed. Maybe I'll start calling my prayers prayer-claps. *smile*

By the way, a certain symptom of my PCOS was healed for this month. Praise God. He is so very good to us all!

***

I have a confession, friends.
I'm not sure if I'll have much patience for the American life once I come back from this trip.

I don't really have patience for it now. And it is my fault, I realize. I don't want to become this jaded, cynical person when I get back. I want to take my knowledge and experiences to draw others to curiosity of what things are like on the other side of the world. I don't want my experiences to separate me from others, but to draw me closer to them through my excitement and stories and compassion. But I am so afraid I might put up a wall. I mean, how do you respond to the U.S. when you come back from seeing children without homes? How do you swallow the bitter pill of seeing many people with things they don't even need, while there are so many on the other side of the world who are fighting to stay alive EVERY DAY? Americans are weighed down by THINGS. And those THINGS don't even matter in the end. Why oh why do we continue to succumb to the comfort of this earth??? We could be doing so much more if we were not conforming to the ways of this world!!! I am guilty of this myself, which is why I am so disgusted. I hate this sin nature. I hate how we try to make ourselves comfortable when others don't have that choice. It makes me angry. It's natural to want comfort, but it is not RIGHT.

***

Have I told you that I have sleeping problems? I do. Ever since I started at DCS, for some reason, I find it more difficult to get restful sleep. It's probably due to the fact that my mind is racing daily, and it's hard to calm it down when it needs to be still. I wonder how I'm going to sleep on the road. The things I will see will be so much more life-changing than anything I've experienced here. How will I handle it? How will it change me? How will it grow me?

I can't wait for that growth! I'm like a tiny, new flower, stretching its petals toward the Son, asking Him to bathe me in the light of His presence. I feel like my growth was stifled a lot these past few years. Somehow, I lost the zeal I had when I became a Christian at 15. But now, the closer we get to this trip, the more and more I feel the freshly-saved, childlike spirit bouncing around inside of me again. There is nothing like knowing you are heading for something that God has specifically designed for you. Not only to help others, but to continue to etch out your path in front of you; another chapter, another season in His plan.

These thoughts are copyrighted.

I am slowly becoming obsessed with this book and all it consists of. It speaks to my spirit, that spirit of wanting to wander into the unknown, of picking up and leaving and going without knowing if I will come out on the other side successfully, or even alive. The living without reservations, dropping all that the comforts of life have to offer, and trading them in for adventures and discomfort and life experiences. It speaks to me in the same way that

Through Painted Deserts - Donald Miller
&
On the Road-Jack Kerouac

did. I am sure there are many more, but those are the ones I can think of at this point.

I can't get enough of this spirit of writing. I eat it up--literally consume it--and it becomes a part of me. It speaks to me, straight to the heart of me.





I am convinced that I grew up in the wrong era. I should have grown up in the late 60's/early 70's. I should have been a hippie. I should have grown up in a time when it was still fairly safe to hitchhike from place to place and sleep in different places every night. Or maybe the safety factor is the same, but we don't trust eachother as much as we used to.


I definitely could see myself on a commune (minus the public nakedity).

I could see myself on Haight Ashbury.

I see myself behind the wheel of a VW bus, potted cacti on the dashboard, mattress in the back,the wind combing my hair, open road before me. (this sounds good. I'm going to try to make a poem of it sometime)

***

We have to make a decision in the next three days whether God is leading us to make the trip. We were going to wait to write the letter to UPS and take UPS's answer as a sign, an open door, and a confirmation, but Dusty is challenging us, (basically telling us), not to do this, and instead decide based on what we feel in our spirit about the trip. I know how I feel, but it doesn't matter how I feel unless we are united as a couple. Pray that Wesley will get whatever answer is needed at this point, so that we can make a decision based on the Spirit leading us as a couple. That is why Dusty is challenging us. He believes we are basing our decision too much on other people and not on what God is personally telling us. He's right...but this is going to make it a bit more of a struggle to come to a decision. I don't know how well it's going to go.

***

I wrote the above blog entry as a draft two days ago and I'm not much closer to what we're going to do. If it were based on me as a single person, I would have already called up Dusty and told him "I'm in!" but when you are married, it adds so many more things to the ever stirring pot. And I go back and forth about conceiving. One day, I'm fine, and then the next day, I have a little meltdown or maybe just a tear, or anger, or frustration.

I am FRUSTRATED with the fact that I have had such a hard time.
I am ANGRY when I hear other women complain about their kids. This frustrates me close to the most.
I am FRUSTRATED that I have to see a doctor to find out what in the heck is wrong.
I am ANGRY that I do not already have a baby in my arms.
I am FRUSTRATED and ANGRY I may have to go through painful procedures in order to conceive.

But you've all heard this story before. No point in going on.

***

It's looking like our deadline for telling Dusty our decision is about up, and I have no idea what our decision is going to be. What if we're not ready for this? What if we are willing but we are not ready? I never thought of how couples must function completely differently from single missionaries. Can we function over there? Or are we putting too much confidence in ourselves? Or not enough confidence in God?

So many thoughts. So many questions. Just one answer that seems to slip through my fingers like a kite taking flight.







(Bless you if you got through this entire blog.
My mind is an insect trapped in spider's web.)

(That sounds good too. Hmm.)

Back to it.

I am feeling better today, just cramping some. =( Oh, the womanly curse... which is not consistent for me, except that I took medication to bring it on.

The good news is, even with being sick and not eating as healthy as I could have, I've still maintainted the 2 lb loss. In fact, when I hopped on the scale yesterday and today, it looked more like a 3 lb loss, but I'm not going to declare that until I've had at least four days of that number. My weight fluctuates sometimes, and I don't want to get my hopes up.

I didn't mean for this to become a weight loss/exercise blog, but there's not a whole lot more going on in my life at this point.

We are meeting with Pastor Ben tonight to discuss our trip. Dusty has actually already set us up with our own email accounts at revolutionarylife.org and is sending us emails as if we're already part of the team. I guess he's declaring it, which is great, because it makes me feel more confident about the decision to take the trip. But also scary, because I don't want to let anyone down if something happens and Wesley can't get the full time off from UPS. Dusty understands that we're waiting to send the letter, but I think he's also believing that God will take care of everything and already sees us as a part of the team. So exciting!

It's surreal to think that if we do end up going on the trip, it would broaden so many of the horizons I had before. I will increase the countries I've visited by 400% + since I've only been to two countries. I will see SO much in such a short amount of time. I will be able to pour out SO much in such a short time. And also, since they're already talking and planning with TBN for the show to be on TBN, I will be on t.v., watched by people all around the U.S. They will watch my trials and how we deal with everything and there will probably be some of our breakdowns/culture shock recorded for all to see. How weird is that?

What I want to be when (if) I grow up

None are in order of importance unless they are begun with a letter


For sures:
[that is, if it didn't require more schooling, which most of these do]

A. a mother
1. Travel agent
2. Preschool teacher
3. Children's Librarian
4. Tour guide


Maybes:
1. Travel writer
2. Photographer
3. Nanny


Dream jobs:

A. Professional traveler, like Samantha Brown from the Travel Channel
B. Vacation Tour Director (you get to take the trips with the people you plan them for to serve as a liason while on the trip. Ohmygoodness.)
1. Personal assistant to some great famous person
2. owner of a Children's bookstore
3. Disney princess
4. Voice over for cartoons/children's shows


Random facts about past future plans:

-When I was 5-9, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer

-When I was 14, after seeing 'Coyote Ugly', I wanted to be a bartender.

-When I was a Junior in college, me and a couple of friends wanted to rent a place in New Orleans for the summer and invite people to stay with us. We almost did it, had it not been for my mother

-The summer after Sophomore year, I almost didn't come back to Union. I had a dream to take a road trip across the U.S. by myself and write about my trip. I still have the papers from where I was printing off places to go. Again, my mom stopped me, and told me instead she would give the money to take the trip after I graduated from College. I never got the money, because I got married. I never took the trip.

- I have walked out of my job in my head countless times. I usually imagine myself getting in the car and driving off into the unknown. It thrills me.

-Until I visited Union, I strongly considered being a writer. And then I let my mind talk me into something "more reasonable", i.e. being a Social Worker. My mom had something to do with this as well.

-My Senior year of High School, I didn't want to go to college at a University. I wanted to go to the Honor Academy and train to be a missionary or something of that nature. I bet you can guess what's coming next. My mom stopped me.

***

You know what I have figured out after being at a job that doesn't thrill me and feeling stuck due to mounds and mounds of school loans?

Listening to what OTHER people think you should do with your life...you will miss out on too much. I wish I had figured that out sooner.



I am so ready for a change.

one, two, three, SCREAM.

I am not motivated. I have a million things to do at work, and yet all I'm doing is sitting here killing time and dreaming about days when things will be different.

And trying to sort out the clanking in my head.

There are so many different paths to take, and I am so completely confused with what to do. It makes me resentful, angry, and stressed out. It makes me resent Wesley, because he is such a good person who considers all the options instead of making a decision whether I like it or not. I wish he wouldn't care, so that there would be a decision and it would be DONE and over with. Instead of having all the possibilities roll around in my head day and night.

I am a "jump on the bandwagon" kind of person, which is why all of this worrying is weird. I have been waiting for an "excuse" to leave this job, to leave Jackson, and I've been offered it. And yet, I am unrested. The rationalities are what is bogging me down.

rationalities:

//If we were to leave for a full year, the interest on our loans would just accumulate and accumulate. And yes, I can jump in and "have faith" that the interest will be paid by donations, but any intelligent human being is going to feel that right now is not the best time in our lives to take a trip like this. *But that being said...God calls a lot of people to do illogical things at the worst times in their lives. Could I be missing out on God's blessing for us?

//Wesley is starting to gain seniority at his job. Since Wesley is not called to missions (and I don't know that I am. I felt I might be at one time, and yet I never had the opportunity to take a missions trip thereafter) would it be the smartest to leave the country for a year and then come back and have to start all over again as far as jobs are concerned? *Again, God is not always logical. And we are not supposed to be comfortable on this earth. Also, it would be a good testimony if we were to leave such set jobs to go overseas.

//I struggle with worrying about how this looks to others. I definitely don't want to be a stumbling block. I know that Dusty and Darlene have said that they were able to pay bills while overseas, but I don't know...it makes me feel weird. Even if we were given enough money to pay for our bills, I would worry that people would think that we were leaving all responsibilities in America to go gallivanting overseas. I know those people would need to check their hearts, but it's still a worry of mine.

//There is SO much to be done if we were to consider going for a year, including finding storage for the full year, finding a place for our puppies (which we have technically just about found), setting up finances, etc. All of that is very difficult to do while working a full-time job.

//My strength is actually not in numbers. I am better at developing relationships with people, not necessarily widespread ministry. I can do widespread ministry, but I feel where God has blessed me is in the relational areas. *However, my strength is also that I am willing to do whatever as long as it is God's will, and I have the ability to adjust to almost any situation. I am flexible and multi-talented. And willing.

//I have begun to desire to start trying for a child again. It's the weirdest thing. I was at peace with taking a break and focusing on this trip, but it's like then these desires came out of nowhere again. That leads me to believe that maybe God might have something else. I know for a fact that being a mother is my first calling, because I have wanted to be a mother since I was a child. That has ALWAYS been constant. It's the rest of what to do with my life until then that becomes blurry and unclear. *update* I just left for a second and ran into a pregnant woman, right as I took a break from typing this. I'm always looking for signs, and so that made me think that maybe it was a sign. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW WHY I'M SO CRAZY?? I LOOK FOR SIGNS EVERYWHERE! Goodness me.


One thing that I can easily agree with: since Wesley and I have even considered something such as this trip, if we decide not to go, SOMETHING will change in our lives. We just can't go from seriously considering living overseas for a year, to going back to the typical life. Whether it is getting plugged into another ministry besides Children's church, or something else...I don't know.

Wesley is going today to find out if he could even get a leave of absence for a period of time from UPS. We will see what happens from there.

Confirmations. (?)

So, several things concerning this very big decision have been moving in my heart.

I have been worrying about not getting an audible "Yes, this is what I want you to do" from God. I know it sounds silly, but I guess I expected to receive something like that considering this will be a life-changing experience. And completely against the grain of what we were originally thinking. I mean, this is the complete opposite of our plans before. It's basically two extremes: settle down with a baby, or live without a home for a year.

Anyway, what I have been receiving is little things that I like to call confirmations. I texted my friends Dusty and Darlene basically explaining that God hadn't "spoken" to me and that we were both sort of confused at the moment. What they both said to us is that sometimes, when God isn't speaking, He is waiting for you to tell Him what you would like to do. Since I am not set in my theology of free will vs. predestination, and don't currently want to be since I don't think everything is so black and white, I can totally see that. And it worked in my instance. When they told me that, I thought, ok, so God is waiting for me to decide. I talked and prayed about it with Wesley, and we decided we would go with this, and if God closed doors, then He would close doors. Ever since I prayed to God and told Him "ok, we want to go on this trip" it's like His presence has been overflowing in my life. Now, I'm sure that has somewhat to do with the fact that I am reading more of my Bible than I have in a long time, but I also believe part of that is in agreement with what Dusty and Darlene were saying.

The second confirmation, which I wouldn't put as a formal title of "confirmation", but definitely is the style that I love to be spoken to in... I was driving to a visit on a workday and just praying and thinking about how completely crazy it is to think about all the money that would need to come in to provide for our trip. I had my ipod on shuffle. I was thinking to myself "God, this is going to have to be a complete miracle." Just then, the song "Are You Ready for a Miracle?" began playing on my ipod. God is funny, and He has a great sense of humor. I felt peace and love and just a rush of possibility and excitement, as I knew that the song was meant to answer my thoughts and prayers I had in my head.

Tonight, we had a night of Christmas praise and worship at my church. Pastor Ben preached an amazing section on Mary's point of view when she realized she was carrying a child. He described how she was engaged and ready to be married, making preparations in her own life toward her own plans. Then God made her the birth mother of Jesus Christ. He described how this truly did mean "a baby changes everything" and that Jesus turned Mary's world upside down. He talked about how she probably had different wills for her life, but instead, His will was so much better than her own. I think it's funny how our story is the opposite. We were desiring a baby with everything in us. We struggled with infertility, 10 months of it, and then God begins to confirm a different path. A path that will change EVERYTHING. This path, if we are to walk it, is like Mary birthing Jesus. Both are the will of God, and both change everything.

The one thing we have been struggling with in our decision (besides finding a place for our puppies) is that Wesley is pretty much set in his job. He will be there going on 6 years next fall, and his pay is very good right now for only being a part time worker. If we leave for a year and UPS doesn't have a leave of absence, then he will lose his seniority and his pay. Even if he was able to get hired on to UPS once we get back, he would lose his pay and have to work back up to his seniority (which I think is retarded, by the way). But, then one of the songs reflect on how Jesus was born in a manger, in a place meant only for animals. I started really thinking about what that means.

We throw around that phrase, but do we really think about it? I mean, Jesus could have been born anywhere. God sure had enough power to make whoever it was bow before Mary and provide a place to birth Jesus. However, I believe God was making several points when He chose a manger for Jesus. 1) He was emphasizing of course that Jesus came in the most humble and vulnerable form, a baby. Jesus' life was humble, if you think about it. Even though He was the son of God, He still went through teachings just like everyone else. He still had to be fed by his mother, and He still had to rely on his mother and father's protection.

But the more important thing that hit me is that God may have had Jesus birthed in a manger to prove the point that we should not store up our treasures on earth. Then I started thinking about how Jesus lived while He was on this earth. He had one shot at it, and He chose to not spend it comfortable, but constantly moving, constantly traveling, constantly sharing the good news with others. Jesus really never had a home. So what makes us think as Christians that our primary goal in life is to settle down and start a family and live comfortably?

Don't get me wrong; I do not believe it's a sin to settle down and start a family. If I had been able to at this point and time, I would have. But we also have to be careful that we are never comfortable on this earth. That comfort can lead to the death of your spirit. It can lead to you not hearing the Lord clearly. I know that is what has been manifested in my life. When I started considering a possibility that didn't make me feel comfortable, that is when God really began speaking to me.


So, that is what is going on in our life right now. We are still worried and checking into the leave of absence thing at UPS, but we are seriously leaning toward going on this trip! Please be in prayer that if we have somehow gotten His will wrong, that He will redirect us. And pray that if this is His will for us, that He will continue to reveal Himself and continue to give peace and confirmation to us.

A new path?

As I sit down to write this, I have no idea where to begin. It seems pretty overwhelming to actually type this all out and explain it all. Not too sure where to begin...

About a year and a half ago, two of my good friends, Dusty and Darlene, set out on a trip around the world. They have developed a non-profit organized called Revolutionary Life. They are currently building up connections all around the world for their ministry, which is to preach the gospel to the lost. The way they travel is very different than most missionaries. They take it step by step, totally letting the Lord lead them. They have a general idea of where they are going to go, and then God changes it, and they follow. During their last trip, they managed to travel to a remote village in Laos and deliver the gospel to those that had never heard the name of Jesus. They traveled to 15 different countries.

They are gearing up for their next trip. It will tentatively be in August 2010. They have extended an invitation for Wesley and I to go. They have done so in such a way that I know without a doubt how much of an honor it would be to accompany them on their trip. They have not extended the invitation to many people, because it will be grueling and extremely difficult ministry at times. The next trip will last a year or more, with four main focuses: Ghana, India, Thailand, and Indonesia. However, they believe they will end up going to more places than just those four.

I have felt for the longest time that Wesley and I cannot do anything really big until we pay off our school debts. However, after meeting with Dusty and Darlene, I realize that the debt is actually stifling our ability to seek the Lord and His will. It has become this brick wall that I can't see past at all. But God doesn't want us to be defined by our debt, and He doesn't want us to feel we are stuck because of it. Dusty asked a simple question.

"If you didn't have that debt, what would you do? And would there be any other reason besides that debt to not go on this trip?"

I realized that debt was basically the only reason we wouldn't go. Or wouldn't do anything adventurous and daring.

And that's just not a good enough reason for me.

***

We are in the praying stages at this point. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the reason for me not being able to get pregnant is because there are other things God wants me to do first. I'm not sure.

Please pray for guidance in our decision. My feelings continue to be fickle. Two days ago, I felt for sure that this was what God had for us, to go on this trip. Today, I'm not so sure, and that scares me some, because I believe if this is something God wants us to do, it will stay consistent. Pray for clarity for us.

If we were to go on the trip, I would like to try to go for the full year. Dusty and Darlene said we were welcome to just come for a month or two, but I just don't believe in doing anything halfway ;)

If we do decide to go, we have so many needs that will need to be fulfilled in some way or another. We will definitely be saving money to go on the trip, but specific needs I know we will have to alleviate prior to departing:

-2 backpacks (this is all we will have with us. We will be essentially carry everything we own on our backs)

-At least 15-20 committed monthly contributors to our journey. The good thing about overseas travel is it's much cheaper than America (usually). For instance, just donating $20 a month would pay for several nights stays at a hostel.

-Money for our visas, shots, and the initial travel to Ghana

-Hiking shoes for both of us

-At least one pair of good hiking pants for each of us. Because, we will go several days without washing things and need durable, semi expensive pants.

-Various other things, such as bug spray, sunscreen, etc.

-At least 10 monthly pledges from people who will pray for us while we are gone.

-A place for our puggles to stay for as long as we are gone. This is probably one of the hardest things, because we love them like our own children and would be picky as to where they go. Also, they can't be separated, so finding someone who would suddenly take two new dogs would be difficult. Honestly, that is my first worry, above finances and danger, lol. I just love my puppies so much.

***

So that is currently what is going on in my life. I ask that you pray for us, that we would be able to see the Lord's direction in this decision. We would both have to leave our jobs (Wesley has been at UPS 5 years) and we are still not sure if UPS will offer him a leave of absence or not. I know my work won't, but it would be a little less scary to leave and know that at least one of us will have a job when we return to the states, lol.