Hard at work

Wesley and I will be spending most of the weekend addressing our letters and trying to get some out.

Nothing like sitting on a blanket in the beautiful sun addressing letters :)

I'm so excited at this first big step!!!

Email me if you would like a support letter (if you haven't already told me!)

ashley.nicole.calvert@gmail.com.

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is, even."

So, I am convinced that the Jackson Clinic got almost all of my blood today. Almost.

I drew a total of 15 vials of blood. [For a 2 hour blood glucose test, and other various blood tests. 12 were pre blood sugar spike, and then 1 vial every 30 minutes for 1.5 hours to take before and after levels.]
That's the most blood that has been drawn from my body in my entire 23[almost]24 year existence on this lovely earth.

And I did all of this powered by only a disgusting orange, very sugary drink to spike my blood sugar up and see how my levels were when said blood sugar was spiked up.

I'm not even sure if I understand this concept.
The little nurse was adorable, though. I told her I had started feeling light-headed and weak, and she took me to the back and made me lay down on a table with a blanket over me. So sweet. I could have slept right there, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to go to sleep, haha.

Good news is, I'm feeling better now. I'm happy with my body's ability to bounce back like it has.

I am praying for healing. I pray that my results come back so good, that they just simply can't believe it. It will just have to be a miracle.

I believe in miracles.
I believe in miracles much more than I believe in fairies.

Could you imagine if life was like one of J.M. Barrie's whimsical stories? If we clapped hard enough, we could be healed. Maybe I'll start calling my prayers prayer-claps. *smile*

By the way, a certain symptom of my PCOS was healed for this month. Praise God. He is so very good to us all!

***

I have a confession, friends.
I'm not sure if I'll have much patience for the American life once I come back from this trip.

I don't really have patience for it now. And it is my fault, I realize. I don't want to become this jaded, cynical person when I get back. I want to take my knowledge and experiences to draw others to curiosity of what things are like on the other side of the world. I don't want my experiences to separate me from others, but to draw me closer to them through my excitement and stories and compassion. But I am so afraid I might put up a wall. I mean, how do you respond to the U.S. when you come back from seeing children without homes? How do you swallow the bitter pill of seeing many people with things they don't even need, while there are so many on the other side of the world who are fighting to stay alive EVERY DAY? Americans are weighed down by THINGS. And those THINGS don't even matter in the end. Why oh why do we continue to succumb to the comfort of this earth??? We could be doing so much more if we were not conforming to the ways of this world!!! I am guilty of this myself, which is why I am so disgusted. I hate this sin nature. I hate how we try to make ourselves comfortable when others don't have that choice. It makes me angry. It's natural to want comfort, but it is not RIGHT.

***

Have I told you that I have sleeping problems? I do. Ever since I started at DCS, for some reason, I find it more difficult to get restful sleep. It's probably due to the fact that my mind is racing daily, and it's hard to calm it down when it needs to be still. I wonder how I'm going to sleep on the road. The things I will see will be so much more life-changing than anything I've experienced here. How will I handle it? How will it change me? How will it grow me?

I can't wait for that growth! I'm like a tiny, new flower, stretching its petals toward the Son, asking Him to bathe me in the light of His presence. I feel like my growth was stifled a lot these past few years. Somehow, I lost the zeal I had when I became a Christian at 15. But now, the closer we get to this trip, the more and more I feel the freshly-saved, childlike spirit bouncing around inside of me again. There is nothing like knowing you are heading for something that God has specifically designed for you. Not only to help others, but to continue to etch out your path in front of you; another chapter, another season in His plan.

Spiritual warfare is so very real.

I started praying for physical healing a little over a month ago. I began praying for healing specifically for my PCOS. Besides infertility, PCOS causes all kinds of other things such as fatigue and pain. Well, it seems like almost as soon as I started praying for healing, I started becoming more sick. I mentioned in a previous post how it seemed my PCOS has gotten worse, and I was discouraged and confused. Didn't Jesus say in the Gospels that "Your faith has healed you?" (Luke 8:40-49) I began having more regular pains, and then it seemed I was tired ALL THE TIME. It was all I could do to get through the day. What was going on?

Along with this came random bouts of stomach issues, pulled muscles which led to exercise set backs, and now I have a horrible chest cold that has wiped me out. Why wasn't God protecting me from this? I prayed and prayed to be healed with the utmost faith, so why on earth was God allowing me to go through so much when I was putting all of my faith in Him? Why was I having additional health problems when I was praying to be completely healed?

I don't know that I've figured out the answer quite yet, but I have a feeling it has more to do with obstacles, spiritual warfare, and the enemy than anything else.

A couple of years ago, God spoke to me and said that people would receive healing through my hands. I didn't know if it would be physically, or that I would perform works that would cause healing emotionally. At the time, I seemed to gather that God meant this in as most of a literal way as possible; that I would lay hands and people would be healed. I'm still not sure, but here is what I have guessed:

The enemy is knocking me down and all around because he knows that if I have any faith in God's ability to heal through me, that will be one less way he can get at me. It makes total sense to me. On this trip, I will be praying healing over people constantly. I know exactly how the enemy tends to work; he works through my insecurities. So, he is trying to make me insecure in this area. He will whisper in my ear "Remember when you prayed healing over yourself in the states? It got worse. If you pray for these people, they will get worse. You are cursed, not blessed."

The good thing about having to deal with the devil is that he usually pulls the same tricks. If we are smart and strong enough, we can fight it, because he doesn't usually have any NEW ideas. We all have a certain area where he will come at us with full force. Mine has and always will be insecurities. If the devil gets me to feed into insecurities, then I am his slave.

If I keep pushing through this, I WILL receive a breakthrough. I WILL. It is so hard to keep fighting when your body is telling you to give up. And I've been confused and worried. Have I sold out on believing that God will heal me because I went to the doctor and got some medication? I don't know. Somehow I don't feel this is wrong, but maybe I am wrong.

But I'm praising God through this, because I'm knowing that it is a path leading to increased strength, perseverance, and Godliness.

And it makes me want to fight against the devil even more.


Abba, Father, JEHOVAH ROPHE [Rapha] (Ex. 15:26) I am standing in faith that I WILL receive my healing. I BELIEVE that others will receive healing through YOU working through ME. I believe that I am GOOD ENOUGH for you to work through me. You overcome my wickedness and still manage to bring glory to your name. You are so mighty and wonderful and all-powerful. I praise you, I praise you, I PRAISE YOU!!!

Man, that's some good stuff. What is God pressing upon your own heart right now?

Through out the Scriptures, we see God calling his followers to live a life of 'sentness.' Stability, social comfort, relational control, safety, success, respect, or clarity were not expected. People had to go purely out of obedience, a personal sense of calling, in faith and simply because they loved God. Outcome didn’t matter; faithfulness did.
Jesus asked His disciples to leave their nets while still clueless. As they walked and lived with him, they learned that His ways challenged their ways. In fact, His plans would often pull them into the unknown and into situations that forced them to trust the miraculous. Christian people are a people on a move, constantly sent by God to the world. To be missional is the call of every church. It’s the call of every Christian. Jesus said to his followers, to us, 'As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.'
–Hugh Halter

***

God, give me the courage to leave my net and step out onto the water. I have been struggling with wanting to grab back onto it, to rely on stability and security. Help me to know that my security is in YOU and YOU alone. Help me deny the American dream as a way of life. Make it unnatural to me.

Amen.

Hate to be a pain...and thoughts on pain.

First, I am SO very grateful to have friends that are willing to support Wesley and I in our journey with Revolutionary Life. You have no idea how much this means to both of us.

Now, here comes the hard part for me. Well, for one, as a side note, let's just say that even though I preach to others to accept my gifts...I have problems accepting or even declaring what we're in need for. I guess because the difference is, usually when I give to someone, it's not because they ask for it; I just like to bless them out of the blue. However, to ASK for things...that's a bit harder for me.

But, I have to ask. So here goes...

Whoever is going to begin giving toward our RL trip now with a monthly donation, could you please let me know the amount? It can be in an email to me. I know this sounds horrible, but there really is a selfless reason. I just need to know how much is being pledged/given per month so that I can keep up with how much more we will need. That way I can begin letting people know the remaining need. This is so difficult for me. But, the reality is, if we end up going to Africa first, we're actually going to need $1,000 more per month than originally planned, because Africa has a $131 charge for visas in EVERY country. Ouch. And it's looking like we might be going to Africa first due to half of the team members feeling a spiritual pull toward Africa.

And again, I guess I have to ask. For those that feel led to give and feel at peace with giving now, please, don't hesitate. Gah, that sounds so bad. What I mean is, if you begin giving now without fail, it will help us build up a cushion for preparations for our trip. I definitely don't want you to do anything without peace from God, but I am also declaring our need so that you all will know how to pray for us, as well as provide if you feel led. Also, please know that Wesley and I aren't just sitting back and waiting for the money to pour in. I have begun trying to sell things on Craigslist, Wesley has taken a second job at Cracker Barrel, and I'm considering taking a second job at Cracker Barrel as well. But we CANNOT do this without God and YOU. YOU that feel called to give. YOU that feel called to pray for us. YOU. Beautiful, wonderful YOU.

*whew*... now that that's over with...

I have recently been trying to declare healing over my body. This has been specifically in the area of my PCOS. I thought back to stories in the Bible of healing, particularly stories like Luke 8:40-49 about the woman that believed if she only touched the garment of Jesus, that she would be healed. Jesus knelt down and said to her "Daughter, your faith has healed you." I started really evaluating how I felt about my PCOS. I thought of it as an affliction, something I would just have to deal with. I never considered the fact that God could HEAL me. Truly heal me. But recently, I've really been trying to believe in that. I can tell that God is testing my faith, and I feel spiritual warfare as well.

I went and got an ultrasound yesterday to check my ovaries, cervix, etc.

Side note- I haven't even really talked about my first appointment with the specialist in Memphis, but it went fairly well. She wants me to go back on Metformin after I get a lot of bloodwork done. But, she is going to put me on the extended release, and I'm hoping that will help with the sickness and nausea I experienced when I was on Metformin before. Anyway, from that first appointment I set up the next appointment to get an ultrasound, and then I will see the specialist again in May for follow-up. I have more been seeing the specialist for health issues, not so much for fertility anymore. I just want to figure out what I have to do to maintain my PCOS, and then I'm going to let the specialist know that I don't plan to pursue hardcore fertility procedures.

Anyway, so I went in for my ultrasound. I have personally felt like I've been believing with all of my heart, mind, soul, and spirit that I am healed. I was halfway expecting for the ultrasound to be clear, with nothing wrong. Yet when I looked at the ultrasound and saw the string of pearls (see link for picture) in both of my ovaries, I got pretty discouraged. There were even more cysts than when I had the ultrasound in July! In fact, in July, my ovaries wouldn't have classified me as PCOS, but my hormonal embalances did. But this ultrasound was a textbook picture of PCOS. I hate knowing that I have something wrong with my body, especially something like cysts in my ovaries. I left in tears, just so very discouraged.

I'm trying not to lose the faith that I WILL be healed. It's very hard though.

Well, as of yesterday, I developed this absolutely bizarre tingly/numb/radiating heat feeling in my left hand. I came back from my ultrasound and took a much needed nap. I woke up and it felt like I had slept on my hand and it had fallen asleep. I kept shaking it around, and it wouldn't go away. I got pretty freaked out. I couldn't go back to sleep because the feeling was bothering me. I eventually took two Aleve and went to bed for good. I woke up in the middle of the night due to the feeling and couldn't really get restful sleep. It has not stopped since. Today I went to the Dr. and they said I might have hurt a disc in my back and that is what is causing the tingly/numb sensation. They gave me some muscle relaxers and if it doesn't get better in a couple of days, they gave me a prescription for some steroids to help with muscle inflammation. I'm supposed to go back if it doesn't get better in 48 hours.

I guess my point in all of this is...how RANDOM is this? Right after I started declaring healing over my body, something else happens to my body. It sounds like spiritual warfare to me. And that just makes me mad. Grrrr. It's so annoying, because it doesn't even hurt; it's just irksome. I mean, think about having your dominant hand feeling like it's asleep 24/7. Ugh. Not fun at all. Definitely keeps me up at night. I have had problems getting restful sleep since I started working at DCS anyway, but this is cutting into what little sleep I was able to attain before.

=(

Enough of my complaining. Please pray for my demented left hand. And I will continue to declare healing.

****

I just watched "Seven Years in Tibet" for the first time tonight. Wow. If you have not watched it, you need to go and rent it. I am just so fascinated with how little I know about this great big world. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention in history class. But now I love to devour the history of different countries; to pick apart their past, and try to figure out why the countries are the way they are today. It gave me a drawing toward Tibet. I already think Tibetian people are some of the pretties people I've ever seen. This picture is one of my favorites from the pics that Darlene took on their first journey with Revolutionary Life. And it fascinates me how open and friendly the Tibetian people are. Dusty and Darlene came upon a Tibetian tent, and they invited Darlene and Dusty inside, gave them food and shelter from the cold weather... Even though language was a barrier, there was still a connection that was made.

Ah... I am terrified...but I also can't wait to get out on the road.

How to donate

I am going to make this a permanent link on my blog, but wanted to give you guys direction on how to give toward our trip with Revolutionary Life.

Go here.

Donate using a one time gift or monthly donation.

Currently, while we are obviously not picky about what we receive, we are aiming toward gathering pledges from people who will give whatever amount they feel led monthly. Those that feel led to start giving now are encouraged to do so. There are so many expenses that come from this trip, and the sooner we begin gathering donations, the better. It gets overwhelming at times, but I know that God is GOOD and FAITHFUL to those that answer His calling.

Season 1 (rough draft) Intro for Revolutionary Life.

Click on the flowerish looking thing to see it full screen.

Season 1 Intro (Rough Cut) from Revolutionary Life on Vimeo.

Oh my goodness. SO ready to go.

Well....

God has confirmed to Wesley and I that we are called to take the trip with Revolutionary Life!


Wow...what an adventure we have in store for us.

These thoughts are copyrighted.

I am slowly becoming obsessed with this book and all it consists of. It speaks to my spirit, that spirit of wanting to wander into the unknown, of picking up and leaving and going without knowing if I will come out on the other side successfully, or even alive. The living without reservations, dropping all that the comforts of life have to offer, and trading them in for adventures and discomfort and life experiences. It speaks to me in the same way that

Through Painted Deserts - Donald Miller
&
On the Road-Jack Kerouac

did. I am sure there are many more, but those are the ones I can think of at this point.

I can't get enough of this spirit of writing. I eat it up--literally consume it--and it becomes a part of me. It speaks to me, straight to the heart of me.





I am convinced that I grew up in the wrong era. I should have grown up in the late 60's/early 70's. I should have been a hippie. I should have grown up in a time when it was still fairly safe to hitchhike from place to place and sleep in different places every night. Or maybe the safety factor is the same, but we don't trust eachother as much as we used to.


I definitely could see myself on a commune (minus the public nakedity).

I could see myself on Haight Ashbury.

I see myself behind the wheel of a VW bus, potted cacti on the dashboard, mattress in the back,the wind combing my hair, open road before me. (this sounds good. I'm going to try to make a poem of it sometime)

***

We have to make a decision in the next three days whether God is leading us to make the trip. We were going to wait to write the letter to UPS and take UPS's answer as a sign, an open door, and a confirmation, but Dusty is challenging us, (basically telling us), not to do this, and instead decide based on what we feel in our spirit about the trip. I know how I feel, but it doesn't matter how I feel unless we are united as a couple. Pray that Wesley will get whatever answer is needed at this point, so that we can make a decision based on the Spirit leading us as a couple. That is why Dusty is challenging us. He believes we are basing our decision too much on other people and not on what God is personally telling us. He's right...but this is going to make it a bit more of a struggle to come to a decision. I don't know how well it's going to go.

***

I wrote the above blog entry as a draft two days ago and I'm not much closer to what we're going to do. If it were based on me as a single person, I would have already called up Dusty and told him "I'm in!" but when you are married, it adds so many more things to the ever stirring pot. And I go back and forth about conceiving. One day, I'm fine, and then the next day, I have a little meltdown or maybe just a tear, or anger, or frustration.

I am FRUSTRATED with the fact that I have had such a hard time.
I am ANGRY when I hear other women complain about their kids. This frustrates me close to the most.
I am FRUSTRATED that I have to see a doctor to find out what in the heck is wrong.
I am ANGRY that I do not already have a baby in my arms.
I am FRUSTRATED and ANGRY I may have to go through painful procedures in order to conceive.

But you've all heard this story before. No point in going on.

***

It's looking like our deadline for telling Dusty our decision is about up, and I have no idea what our decision is going to be. What if we're not ready for this? What if we are willing but we are not ready? I never thought of how couples must function completely differently from single missionaries. Can we function over there? Or are we putting too much confidence in ourselves? Or not enough confidence in God?

So many thoughts. So many questions. Just one answer that seems to slip through my fingers like a kite taking flight.







(Bless you if you got through this entire blog.
My mind is an insect trapped in spider's web.)

(That sounds good too. Hmm.)

Back to it.

I am feeling better today, just cramping some. =( Oh, the womanly curse... which is not consistent for me, except that I took medication to bring it on.

The good news is, even with being sick and not eating as healthy as I could have, I've still maintainted the 2 lb loss. In fact, when I hopped on the scale yesterday and today, it looked more like a 3 lb loss, but I'm not going to declare that until I've had at least four days of that number. My weight fluctuates sometimes, and I don't want to get my hopes up.

I didn't mean for this to become a weight loss/exercise blog, but there's not a whole lot more going on in my life at this point.

We are meeting with Pastor Ben tonight to discuss our trip. Dusty has actually already set us up with our own email accounts at revolutionarylife.org and is sending us emails as if we're already part of the team. I guess he's declaring it, which is great, because it makes me feel more confident about the decision to take the trip. But also scary, because I don't want to let anyone down if something happens and Wesley can't get the full time off from UPS. Dusty understands that we're waiting to send the letter, but I think he's also believing that God will take care of everything and already sees us as a part of the team. So exciting!

It's surreal to think that if we do end up going on the trip, it would broaden so many of the horizons I had before. I will increase the countries I've visited by 400% + since I've only been to two countries. I will see SO much in such a short amount of time. I will be able to pour out SO much in such a short time. And also, since they're already talking and planning with TBN for the show to be on TBN, I will be on t.v., watched by people all around the U.S. They will watch my trials and how we deal with everything and there will probably be some of our breakdowns/culture shock recorded for all to see. How weird is that?

A new path?

As I sit down to write this, I have no idea where to begin. It seems pretty overwhelming to actually type this all out and explain it all. Not too sure where to begin...

About a year and a half ago, two of my good friends, Dusty and Darlene, set out on a trip around the world. They have developed a non-profit organized called Revolutionary Life. They are currently building up connections all around the world for their ministry, which is to preach the gospel to the lost. The way they travel is very different than most missionaries. They take it step by step, totally letting the Lord lead them. They have a general idea of where they are going to go, and then God changes it, and they follow. During their last trip, they managed to travel to a remote village in Laos and deliver the gospel to those that had never heard the name of Jesus. They traveled to 15 different countries.

They are gearing up for their next trip. It will tentatively be in August 2010. They have extended an invitation for Wesley and I to go. They have done so in such a way that I know without a doubt how much of an honor it would be to accompany them on their trip. They have not extended the invitation to many people, because it will be grueling and extremely difficult ministry at times. The next trip will last a year or more, with four main focuses: Ghana, India, Thailand, and Indonesia. However, they believe they will end up going to more places than just those four.

I have felt for the longest time that Wesley and I cannot do anything really big until we pay off our school debts. However, after meeting with Dusty and Darlene, I realize that the debt is actually stifling our ability to seek the Lord and His will. It has become this brick wall that I can't see past at all. But God doesn't want us to be defined by our debt, and He doesn't want us to feel we are stuck because of it. Dusty asked a simple question.

"If you didn't have that debt, what would you do? And would there be any other reason besides that debt to not go on this trip?"

I realized that debt was basically the only reason we wouldn't go. Or wouldn't do anything adventurous and daring.

And that's just not a good enough reason for me.

***

We are in the praying stages at this point. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the reason for me not being able to get pregnant is because there are other things God wants me to do first. I'm not sure.

Please pray for guidance in our decision. My feelings continue to be fickle. Two days ago, I felt for sure that this was what God had for us, to go on this trip. Today, I'm not so sure, and that scares me some, because I believe if this is something God wants us to do, it will stay consistent. Pray for clarity for us.

If we were to go on the trip, I would like to try to go for the full year. Dusty and Darlene said we were welcome to just come for a month or two, but I just don't believe in doing anything halfway ;)

If we do decide to go, we have so many needs that will need to be fulfilled in some way or another. We will definitely be saving money to go on the trip, but specific needs I know we will have to alleviate prior to departing:

-2 backpacks (this is all we will have with us. We will be essentially carry everything we own on our backs)

-At least 15-20 committed monthly contributors to our journey. The good thing about overseas travel is it's much cheaper than America (usually). For instance, just donating $20 a month would pay for several nights stays at a hostel.

-Money for our visas, shots, and the initial travel to Ghana

-Hiking shoes for both of us

-At least one pair of good hiking pants for each of us. Because, we will go several days without washing things and need durable, semi expensive pants.

-Various other things, such as bug spray, sunscreen, etc.

-At least 10 monthly pledges from people who will pray for us while we are gone.

-A place for our puggles to stay for as long as we are gone. This is probably one of the hardest things, because we love them like our own children and would be picky as to where they go. Also, they can't be separated, so finding someone who would suddenly take two new dogs would be difficult. Honestly, that is my first worry, above finances and danger, lol. I just love my puppies so much.

***

So that is currently what is going on in my life. I ask that you pray for us, that we would be able to see the Lord's direction in this decision. We would both have to leave our jobs (Wesley has been at UPS 5 years) and we are still not sure if UPS will offer him a leave of absence or not. I know my work won't, but it would be a little less scary to leave and know that at least one of us will have a job when we return to the states, lol.