Google is not always the answer.

So, I've become a google addict.
Whenever I am curious about something or want to learn more, I simply google it. Usually, this provides positive things, educating me more on the subject, comforting me with wisdom, adding to my knowledge, etc.

Not so sure I want to google medical procedures anymore.

I have an appointment on Wednesday for a very scary procedure. The thing is, most of my worries/fear are due to what I've read via Google. Somewhere along the lines of "this hurts incredibly bad; I almost passed out from the pain; it was WORSE THAN LABOR."

Oh my goodness. I am terrified.

So, it's comes to a point where I trust Google more than I trust people in my life. For example, this is a fairly common procedure for women who have issues such as mine, and in fact, someone I work with has had the procedure done. She said "no problem Ashley! You'll be fine! It doesn't hurt that bad!"

But in the back of my mind, I assume she's lying. I think she's just trying to sugar coat it for me so that I won't be as scared. I trust strangers more than people I know.

That is pretty twisted. Why do I do this? Why in the world?

It's because I've gone to Google time and time again. It's so convenient. It's so easy. It's a quick fix to find things out.

Maybe Google is a bit like sin. We go to it time and time again because we try to trust our own instincts instead of the instincts of the Spirit inside of us. A quick fix, an easy solution. Convenient. Then, once we get back from that rebellion and instead try to go to God first, we sometimes have problems trusting what He tells us. We want to run back to when we did things ourselves, because somewhere inside, we believe we did it BEST. We learn the hard way. We fall, get back up again, and run back to Him. And He certainly doesn't sugar coat anything.

God is so amazingly good, and He is best when we are at our weakest. Sometimes though, we don't allow ourselves to get at our weakest. He really has to humble us in order for us to need Him. And that process, while painful, is the best place to be in. In that, I receive knowledge and blessings beyond my own comprehension.

***

Can you guys please leave encouraging scriptures for me to read on this day? I am going to type them out and read them over and over again to help calm my fears. I'm afraid anxiety might make the procedure worse, so I need to be calm, relaxed, and in a trusting Spirit. Please lift me up in prayer as well on that day. I'm sure I will be fine. No... I know it. I just need some encouragement.

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is, even."

So, I am convinced that the Jackson Clinic got almost all of my blood today. Almost.

I drew a total of 15 vials of blood. [For a 2 hour blood glucose test, and other various blood tests. 12 were pre blood sugar spike, and then 1 vial every 30 minutes for 1.5 hours to take before and after levels.]
That's the most blood that has been drawn from my body in my entire 23[almost]24 year existence on this lovely earth.

And I did all of this powered by only a disgusting orange, very sugary drink to spike my blood sugar up and see how my levels were when said blood sugar was spiked up.

I'm not even sure if I understand this concept.
The little nurse was adorable, though. I told her I had started feeling light-headed and weak, and she took me to the back and made me lay down on a table with a blanket over me. So sweet. I could have slept right there, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to go to sleep, haha.

Good news is, I'm feeling better now. I'm happy with my body's ability to bounce back like it has.

I am praying for healing. I pray that my results come back so good, that they just simply can't believe it. It will just have to be a miracle.

I believe in miracles.
I believe in miracles much more than I believe in fairies.

Could you imagine if life was like one of J.M. Barrie's whimsical stories? If we clapped hard enough, we could be healed. Maybe I'll start calling my prayers prayer-claps. *smile*

By the way, a certain symptom of my PCOS was healed for this month. Praise God. He is so very good to us all!

***

I have a confession, friends.
I'm not sure if I'll have much patience for the American life once I come back from this trip.

I don't really have patience for it now. And it is my fault, I realize. I don't want to become this jaded, cynical person when I get back. I want to take my knowledge and experiences to draw others to curiosity of what things are like on the other side of the world. I don't want my experiences to separate me from others, but to draw me closer to them through my excitement and stories and compassion. But I am so afraid I might put up a wall. I mean, how do you respond to the U.S. when you come back from seeing children without homes? How do you swallow the bitter pill of seeing many people with things they don't even need, while there are so many on the other side of the world who are fighting to stay alive EVERY DAY? Americans are weighed down by THINGS. And those THINGS don't even matter in the end. Why oh why do we continue to succumb to the comfort of this earth??? We could be doing so much more if we were not conforming to the ways of this world!!! I am guilty of this myself, which is why I am so disgusted. I hate this sin nature. I hate how we try to make ourselves comfortable when others don't have that choice. It makes me angry. It's natural to want comfort, but it is not RIGHT.

***

Have I told you that I have sleeping problems? I do. Ever since I started at DCS, for some reason, I find it more difficult to get restful sleep. It's probably due to the fact that my mind is racing daily, and it's hard to calm it down when it needs to be still. I wonder how I'm going to sleep on the road. The things I will see will be so much more life-changing than anything I've experienced here. How will I handle it? How will it change me? How will it grow me?

I can't wait for that growth! I'm like a tiny, new flower, stretching its petals toward the Son, asking Him to bathe me in the light of His presence. I feel like my growth was stifled a lot these past few years. Somehow, I lost the zeal I had when I became a Christian at 15. But now, the closer we get to this trip, the more and more I feel the freshly-saved, childlike spirit bouncing around inside of me again. There is nothing like knowing you are heading for something that God has specifically designed for you. Not only to help others, but to continue to etch out your path in front of you; another chapter, another season in His plan.

Hate to be a pain...and thoughts on pain.

First, I am SO very grateful to have friends that are willing to support Wesley and I in our journey with Revolutionary Life. You have no idea how much this means to both of us.

Now, here comes the hard part for me. Well, for one, as a side note, let's just say that even though I preach to others to accept my gifts...I have problems accepting or even declaring what we're in need for. I guess because the difference is, usually when I give to someone, it's not because they ask for it; I just like to bless them out of the blue. However, to ASK for things...that's a bit harder for me.

But, I have to ask. So here goes...

Whoever is going to begin giving toward our RL trip now with a monthly donation, could you please let me know the amount? It can be in an email to me. I know this sounds horrible, but there really is a selfless reason. I just need to know how much is being pledged/given per month so that I can keep up with how much more we will need. That way I can begin letting people know the remaining need. This is so difficult for me. But, the reality is, if we end up going to Africa first, we're actually going to need $1,000 more per month than originally planned, because Africa has a $131 charge for visas in EVERY country. Ouch. And it's looking like we might be going to Africa first due to half of the team members feeling a spiritual pull toward Africa.

And again, I guess I have to ask. For those that feel led to give and feel at peace with giving now, please, don't hesitate. Gah, that sounds so bad. What I mean is, if you begin giving now without fail, it will help us build up a cushion for preparations for our trip. I definitely don't want you to do anything without peace from God, but I am also declaring our need so that you all will know how to pray for us, as well as provide if you feel led. Also, please know that Wesley and I aren't just sitting back and waiting for the money to pour in. I have begun trying to sell things on Craigslist, Wesley has taken a second job at Cracker Barrel, and I'm considering taking a second job at Cracker Barrel as well. But we CANNOT do this without God and YOU. YOU that feel called to give. YOU that feel called to pray for us. YOU. Beautiful, wonderful YOU.

*whew*... now that that's over with...

I have recently been trying to declare healing over my body. This has been specifically in the area of my PCOS. I thought back to stories in the Bible of healing, particularly stories like Luke 8:40-49 about the woman that believed if she only touched the garment of Jesus, that she would be healed. Jesus knelt down and said to her "Daughter, your faith has healed you." I started really evaluating how I felt about my PCOS. I thought of it as an affliction, something I would just have to deal with. I never considered the fact that God could HEAL me. Truly heal me. But recently, I've really been trying to believe in that. I can tell that God is testing my faith, and I feel spiritual warfare as well.

I went and got an ultrasound yesterday to check my ovaries, cervix, etc.

Side note- I haven't even really talked about my first appointment with the specialist in Memphis, but it went fairly well. She wants me to go back on Metformin after I get a lot of bloodwork done. But, she is going to put me on the extended release, and I'm hoping that will help with the sickness and nausea I experienced when I was on Metformin before. Anyway, from that first appointment I set up the next appointment to get an ultrasound, and then I will see the specialist again in May for follow-up. I have more been seeing the specialist for health issues, not so much for fertility anymore. I just want to figure out what I have to do to maintain my PCOS, and then I'm going to let the specialist know that I don't plan to pursue hardcore fertility procedures.

Anyway, so I went in for my ultrasound. I have personally felt like I've been believing with all of my heart, mind, soul, and spirit that I am healed. I was halfway expecting for the ultrasound to be clear, with nothing wrong. Yet when I looked at the ultrasound and saw the string of pearls (see link for picture) in both of my ovaries, I got pretty discouraged. There were even more cysts than when I had the ultrasound in July! In fact, in July, my ovaries wouldn't have classified me as PCOS, but my hormonal embalances did. But this ultrasound was a textbook picture of PCOS. I hate knowing that I have something wrong with my body, especially something like cysts in my ovaries. I left in tears, just so very discouraged.

I'm trying not to lose the faith that I WILL be healed. It's very hard though.

Well, as of yesterday, I developed this absolutely bizarre tingly/numb/radiating heat feeling in my left hand. I came back from my ultrasound and took a much needed nap. I woke up and it felt like I had slept on my hand and it had fallen asleep. I kept shaking it around, and it wouldn't go away. I got pretty freaked out. I couldn't go back to sleep because the feeling was bothering me. I eventually took two Aleve and went to bed for good. I woke up in the middle of the night due to the feeling and couldn't really get restful sleep. It has not stopped since. Today I went to the Dr. and they said I might have hurt a disc in my back and that is what is causing the tingly/numb sensation. They gave me some muscle relaxers and if it doesn't get better in a couple of days, they gave me a prescription for some steroids to help with muscle inflammation. I'm supposed to go back if it doesn't get better in 48 hours.

I guess my point in all of this is...how RANDOM is this? Right after I started declaring healing over my body, something else happens to my body. It sounds like spiritual warfare to me. And that just makes me mad. Grrrr. It's so annoying, because it doesn't even hurt; it's just irksome. I mean, think about having your dominant hand feeling like it's asleep 24/7. Ugh. Not fun at all. Definitely keeps me up at night. I have had problems getting restful sleep since I started working at DCS anyway, but this is cutting into what little sleep I was able to attain before.

=(

Enough of my complaining. Please pray for my demented left hand. And I will continue to declare healing.

****

I just watched "Seven Years in Tibet" for the first time tonight. Wow. If you have not watched it, you need to go and rent it. I am just so fascinated with how little I know about this great big world. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention in history class. But now I love to devour the history of different countries; to pick apart their past, and try to figure out why the countries are the way they are today. It gave me a drawing toward Tibet. I already think Tibetian people are some of the pretties people I've ever seen. This picture is one of my favorites from the pics that Darlene took on their first journey with Revolutionary Life. And it fascinates me how open and friendly the Tibetian people are. Dusty and Darlene came upon a Tibetian tent, and they invited Darlene and Dusty inside, gave them food and shelter from the cold weather... Even though language was a barrier, there was still a connection that was made.

Ah... I am terrified...but I also can't wait to get out on the road.

Humble suggestions and confessions

I got this idea from Glenna's blog. I'm not sure if Glenna knows that I read her blog that often, but I do, and her thoughts really help me deal with my own feelings and heartache concerning infertility. If you scroll down the blog, you will see she has an entry entitled "What to Say to a Friend Who is Dealing with Infertility". Likewise, Pastor Ben at EBC recently inserted a section in one of his sermons which was a "side note" to the sermon--but was so very important for him to preach. It was the same concept. What NOT to tell women who are struggling with infertility. He went down a list, and each one hit my heart and I thought "that is SO true." However, I don't have my notes from that sermon on-hand.

While I don't want any of my friends to feel like they have to walk on egg shells when they're around me, I also want to be realistic to the people who are dear to me and let them know what I consider to be stumbling blocks. I'm sure most of what I'm going to say is central to all women who are struggling with infertility, specifically Christian women.

I found an EXCELLENT article here which I would URGE all of my friends to one day read to get a better understanding. But, a condensed and personalized version of this is as follows:


1. (I'm going to jump right in and start with the most controversial one on my list).
I really don't ever need to hear "this is God's will." Pastor Ben even preached in the sermon that you shouldn't say this. He explained (to paraphrase) "who are we to guess what God's will is? To tell someone who is hurting through infertility that their hurting is God's will is simply playing a guessing game and attempting to obtain authority by stating what we believe to be God's will. Meanwhile, there is a hurting woman who is not being comforted by your words. It's best not to say this." As I said, this is paraphrasing, but that is the general idea of the message. For a while I felt bad for getting upset when people would say "this is God's will." I felt like a bad Christian, and a bad person. But then I realized that other Christian women who are struggling with infertility have the same feelings, and I didn't feel so alone.

To tell me that this is God's will for me to struggle to have a child, while you may believe it to be true, it does not comfort me, nor does it encourage me. If anything, it internally makes me feel like I'm not "as good" as another Christian fertile Myrtle. "God blesses her with having children with ease, why not me? Is it because I'm a bad Christian, a bad person, undeserving of my life's dream?" While these thoughts may not be true, I can't help having them. I can struggle to not have them, but I feel that it is slightly justified to feel this way due to the fact that almost all infertile Christian women feel this way.

2. Don't suggest adoption as a "solution" to the problem. While every infertile woman has went over the possibilities of adoption countless times, it is definitely not a "cure" for infertility. Also, adoption is actually a LOT more expensive (initially) than birthing a biological child. I am terrified at the thought of finding out there is NO possible way I can conceive naturally, and having to resort to adoption. It can be more than $40,000 to adopt. It is not an "easy" solution to come to. I'm terrified of waiting years and years to be a mother.

3. I stress this one the most, because it is the one that has aggravated me to no end. If you are a mother, do not, I mean, DO NOT complain around me about your children. Don't complain to me about the chaos of having a houseful of children, about how you have no time to yourself, about how you wish you could just get away. This puts a wall between me and someone else faster than almost anything. What I wouldn't GIVE to have all of my personal space violated with precious little ones. I have dreamed of a chaotic house, full of laughter and at this point, I even look forward to the fights. Because that means the children will actually EXIST and not be a figment of my imagination.

What baffles me and has angered me the most is when I hear a woman who STRUGGLED with infertility now COMPLAINING about her houseful. Sure, she adds in a little "I am blessed though" to it, but the damage has already been done. Those are YOUR CHILDREN that you labored for. Sure, not all of them are biological, but at least two are! And you are pregnant with another one!!! (Can you tell this is a personal thing in my own life, haha?)

4. If you already have one child, please don't complain to me about wanting another one, and don't act like you can relate to me because you are "struggling" through infertility too. It is NOT a struggle for you anymore. You have overcome it! If I had one child and was unable to have any others, I would be satisfied. Just to have one would be enough for me, if that was all I could have.

5. This one is SO hard for me to say without feeling completely awful about myself. But, this is me being honest and vulnerable. I do not want to know if you are currently trying for a baby. I just don't. I am not naive enough to think that no one in my inner circle is thinking and possibly trying for a baby. But, do I want to hear about it? No. I really don't. However, this is through believing that everyone in my inner circle will get pregnant with no issues. However, if you are struggling with fertility issues, please feel free to come to me. I am here to listen and encourage you, and I will know better than most what it feels like to go through those emotions. I might be able to help.

6. When it comes time for you to announce to me as a friend that you are pregnant, please, would you mind doing so through email/letter? To receive this news face to face or even on the phone catches me off guard, and I run the risk of really hurting you by my reaction to the news. Because I will internally experience several emotions: shock, pretend happiness, jealousy, and anger. I will probably be trying very hard not to cry in front of you, while also trying to be supportive and happy for you. If you ask me if I am ok, I will fall apart. Please tell me through an email/letter so I don't end up hurting you deeply with my reaction, so I can have time to process my emotions, and then put them behind me and be excited and supportive of you.

7. Please do not minimize. To tell me "you're young; enjoy life!" does not comfort me, and it will certainly not cause me to have a revelation, exclaiming "you know what? That person is SO right! I will just live my life like this doesn't bother me!" I tried that before. And now I'm back here. I don't think it will ever be OK that I have infertility issues. I tried to make it ok; I really did. It just didn't work.

8. This is the second most important issue that has aggravates me to no end. If you are pregnant, DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY! I cannot stress this enough! Of course, the exception to this would be if you have a serious medical problem going on in your pregnancy, then I completely understand and I am your FIRST shoulder to cry on. But...normal aches and pains of pregnancy? I don't want to hear it. I'd love to have those aches and pains for it to mean I had a growing child inside of me.

9. Once you are pregnant and we've gotten past the hurdle of me being told, please don't...overshare information about your pregnancy. I don't believe any of my close friends would EVER do this, but I was surprised a few months ago about the ignorance of one aquaintence in particular. It was one of those instances where Wesley had told me that he knew they were pregnant. After I got over my initial hurt, we went out to eat with the couple. We explained to them that we were struggling with infertility, and they stated they would pray for us. That was fine and great, and although it made me jealous to no avail that after just a month of being married, they were pregnant, I was able to deal with my emotions in a fairly civil manner.

And then she contacted me on facebook chat. Being polite, I asked about her pregnancy. She then proceeded to gush about every detail imaginable. She kept saying "it is so AMAZING to be pregnant! I can't believe I have something growing inside of me!" etc. I am sitting there, typing through tears, writing one word responses to her exclamations... and she didn't even notice. She just kept saying things. I am sure this woman was simply drunk on the happiness that comes from being pregnant (also known as "the glow"), but for her to drown me in it was not beneficial to me at all.

10. Above all, please pray for me. Support me. Encourage me in any way not noted above, lol. I long for that comfort and love. I really need it, especially from females. Sometimes I don't think my husband truly understands the hurt that I feel. I don't know that any man could understand.

***

Putting things in perspective:

I do feel in my heart that I will one day be a mother.

I am not at a hopeless point in my infertility. In fact, you could say I've just begun. We have yet to get a semen analysis or a hysterosalpingogram (HSG or 'dye') test to determine if I have blockage in my fallopian tubes (Which I'm terrified of and is known to be EXTREMELY painful). From there, I would move on to injections to produce ovulation, different medications, then move on to IUI, and finally IVF. So, there are many more steps to take in this process before I "throw in the towel". But it is disheartening to know that I might have to go through all of these procedures in order to receive something I never thought I'd have to fight for.

***

I hope this post helped those I care about most understand me a little more. I hope it will help ya'll know how to pray for me and how to support me. Because I definitely need all of your prayers, and your support.

I'm not doing so well.

I am trying to be strong, but the baby desire is becoming really strong again. I am taking Clomid this month, and I have an appointment with the specialist on the 17th..so we'll see what happens. But I don't want to get my hopes up.

I want a child so much it hurts.

And sometimes, I get so angry, I think I put a wall up. I don't let people see how much it really truly wounds me. It's the equivilant of losing a loved one. It's like I've lost this child that I always planned to have.

And yes, to have faith is such a pretty little thing to say.
You're young, they say. Give it time.

But how do I combat the growing ache that comes and goes like a tidal wave?

If it didn't catch me off guard, it would be one thing. But it will literally come out of nowhere. It's like I've lost something, and I'm looking around for it in the dark with only a keychain flashlight.


Do you know what I wrote in a note on facebook in February of 2009? It was one of those surveys that had twenty-five things. In it, number 18 said "I want to have at least four children." I laugh bitterly at that now, knowing that the girl I was then did not have the diagnosis of PCOS. She was oblivious, care-free, and excited about the conception process. She thought she actually had a "choice" as to how many kids she would have. No cloud of infertility hanging over her. She thought it might take a little bit of time, but not the time that it has taken.

But here I am today, enlightened and hurt.





I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little human and cynical right now.

An update on the other side of life...

...so, I couldn't resist the photo. =) It was just too funny to me. And so very true. Everytime I see a negative, it just gets all over me, and makes me want to cuss or shout or throw something!

I had to do a pregnancy test this morning so that I could say I tested before the appointment, since I haven't had a period since November.

Well, even with me knowing that I'm not pregnant, there's something about sticking that stupid stick in a cup that gets your hopes up. No matter how impossible it seems.

Anyway, la-dee-da.

So, I went in, and I told my doctor that I stopped taking my Metformin due to it making me really sick. What's weird is, she didn't seem too concerned. But she also stated that at this point in the game, it would be better for me to go to Fertility Associates of Memphis because, since we've technically been trying for a year, I am officially qualified to be infertile. (Even though we knew this way before, the textbook definition of infertile is trying for one year with no luck).

*steps back to make her infertile award speech"

Well, I never thought I'd be here today. I have so many people to thank for this accomplishment. PCOS, thank you for helping me achieve this! Without you giving me irregular periods, weight gain, and no ovulation, as well as various hormonal ups and downs, I never would have made it here! Thank you...and goodnight!

Jeesh.

I have an appointment for February 17. I don't know how much will be covered by my insurance, and that scares me.

Which brings me to another topic.
I didn't think about it, but it's very important for Wesley and I to make sure we have insurance. We will need it for when we DO become pregnant. Wesley's insurance is amazing when it comes to having children. That's why we probably won't be going on the trip unless Wesley is approved to stay on as an employee at UPS while we are gone. I hate having to worry about all of these grown-up things. I miss being able to just decide to do something, and then DO it.

And the rabbit trail of topics wanders on...

//I Can't WEIGHT anymore...

[Yes, I am that cheesy]

Basically, after reading up on the Fertility Associates of Memphis' imformative pamphlet on PCOS and how they treat it, they are going to ask something of me. It's called losing weight. You know. I started out trying to do that back in July. And I managed to lose 12 pounds, which I've maintained. But...I still have quite a bit to go before they believe I might begin ovulating on my own again and therefore conceive.

That's the darndest thing with PCOS: it makes it harder to lose weight, but in order for the PCOS symptoms to subside, a significant amount of weight needs to be lost. Oh, and also, PCOS causes you to GAIN weight. It's just cruel and ironic. And so very wrong.


So, I am on a quest to lose 25 pounds in 4 months.

This equals 5 pounds a month.
I think this is fairly realistic.
I am going to start being really disciplined. I have to, for the sake of my health and for the sake of fertility, whenever that may come.

I just ordered a book on PCOS that helps figure up what a PCOS diet should look like. Since women with PCOS are 4 times more likely to suffer from heart disease, diabetes, and other illnesses, it's important that I start getting into healthy habits now.

What is wonderful is that my amazing husband has agreed to do this with me. He is going to lose about 20 pounds. (he may not get there, but the important thing is he is going to try! I'm just saying this because although a weight chart for men says he needs to lose 20 pounds, I don't really think he does).


It is hard to put this all out there, because then if I fail, it will simply be "oh, Ashley jumped on another one of those short-lived bandwagons again." I don't want that. This is too important to me. That is why I am putting this out there for you all to see. To help me. To motivate me. To encourage me. PLEASE, PLEASE do so. I need it so very much. I have never been successful with regular diet and exercise. I have been stubborn and upset at others who don't have to do anything and maintain their weight.

But I have to realize and accept that I'm not like them, and there's no use sulking and stuffing my face when I could be active and eating the right things.

So how am I going to lose this weight?

1) I am going to try to exercise in some way every day. I may not always make it to the gym, but if I'm not at the gym, I will be doing something active elsewhere. The point is to never go a day without exercising.

2) I am going to utilize the meal plans in that PCOS book. I'm just hoping they're not too complex or unrealistic.

3) I am going to consume little to no soda or fried foods. Gosh, this just keeps getting harder, doesn't it?

4) I am going to replace the sodas with water.


That is all that I have so far for my action steps (sounding like a real social worker now, haha), but if there are any more I will certainly let ya'll know.

Keep me accountable. Please. I'm begging you.

My life really does depend on it.

This sucks.

Imagine you are taking a horrid medicine that makes you sick. You need to take this medicine in order to maintain your weight.

Now imagine, after being on it for almost 6 months straight, you decide you want to take a little break. About, say 2.5 weeks.

In those weeks, you gain 8 pounds.


That would be ME.

Next time, think really hard before you start complaining about your weight. People like you all (unless you are reading and happen to have PCOS) find it relatively easy to lose weight, or at least to maintain. I do one thing different, which is go off this God-awful medicine, and I GAIN. Losing weight is difficult for me, but I'd at least like to maintain my 12 pound loss that I originally had. But oh no, two and a half weeks free of the medication, and I'm almost up to my starting weight!!!



The moral of the story is, be thankful for what you have in the weight department. If you need to lose a couple of "vanity" pounds, just think of me, and feel a little better about yourself.