I am trying to be strong, but the baby desire is becoming really strong again. I am taking Clomid this month, and I have an appointment with the specialist on the 17th..so we'll see what happens. But I don't want to get my hopes up.
I want a child so much it hurts.
And sometimes, I get so angry, I think I put a wall up. I don't let people see how much it really truly wounds me. It's the equivilant of losing a loved one. It's like I've lost this child that I always planned to have.
And yes, to have faith is such a pretty little thing to say.
You're young, they say. Give it time.
But how do I combat the growing ache that comes and goes like a tidal wave?
If it didn't catch me off guard, it would be one thing. But it will literally come out of nowhere. It's like I've lost something, and I'm looking around for it in the dark with only a keychain flashlight.
Do you know what I wrote in a note on facebook in February of 2009? It was one of those surveys that had twenty-five things. In it, number 18 said "I want to have at least four children." I laugh bitterly at that now, knowing that the girl I was then did not have the diagnosis of PCOS. She was oblivious, care-free, and excited about the conception process. She thought she actually had a "choice" as to how many kids she would have. No cloud of infertility hanging over her. She thought it might take a little bit of time, but not the time that it has taken.
But here I am today, enlightened and hurt.
I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little human and cynical right now.
Saying Yes to God’s Call
11 months ago
oh i am so very sorry dear. i cannot begin to imagine how much you must be hurting. i love you so much and i am praying for you. and it's okay to be angry and to ask why-- sometimes it is the best thing for us to just be honest with God and say what we are feeling. it's not a sin to feel angry or hurt or confused. Job sure felt abandoned and angry when all his dreams were shattered. but God still counted him faithful. faith isn't always warm and fuzzy, sometimes it's believing in God enough to be angry with Him. because you have to believe in someone, believe they are working in your life, to be angry with them.
ReplyDeletei don't know if any of that makes sense. i love you dear ashley and i am praying.
That made PERFECT sense. What beautiful and encouraging words. Thank you so very much. I wish you lived closer =( I miss you so much.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something that would simultaneously be coherent and encouraging. =( It's so strange because I so often desire affirming words for others but sometimes I feel like it's hard for me to verbalize things when I know others need affirming. I'm much better at, say, sending valentines? I think, in spite of all my talk about being a writer and such, sometimes I think I communicate best by sending chocolates and pictures of turtledoves. =/
ReplyDeleteBut, that doesn't mean I won't try to say something meaningful to you during this time of pain and disappointment.
I don't know what you're feeling because I've never tried to have a baby...but I have grown just so much from watching you. You think, growing up, "oh I'll have this many kids" (like you were saying) but the truth is, we have no control over the size of our families. I don't have any more control than you do. It's something that has always been in God's hands. In a way, you've received a gift with this trial...a gift of sight, and a realization of God's sovereignty, that most of us will never be humble enough to understand. You have an understanding that I don't have because of what you've gone through and in that, you are blessed.
I know you're young and I'm sorry if I've said that before (you're young, give it time), but it doesn't change the fact that you've been ready to start a family for over a year now. Telling yourself "I'm 23" doesn't really change that. I'm sorry if I've ever said that...sometimes what I think seems like encouragement comes out as discouragement. =(
The truth is, I know exactly how you feel. I hate when I'm told I should wait for something because I'm "too young" or something like that. It's so easy for other people to decide what you're ready for / not ready for. It really isn't fair.
*I so often desire affirming words FROM others
ReplyDelete1 Thess. 5:18
ReplyDeletenot an easy verse, but a true one.
you're in my prayers!
love,
Renee